


Penaldicks

by Frappexo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, Harassment, M/M, Sensitive material regarding asexuality, Sexuality-related phobia, violent imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 17:22:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16371878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frappexo/pseuds/Frappexo
Summary: Oh Sehun is known as the handsome, ‘sick’, asexual guy who has never failed to reject any sexual proposition made to him, no matter who it came from. He’s never regretted the decisions he’s made, but when what he thinks is a prank turns out to be the worst experience of his life, he could end up regretting, for the first time ever, not having considered saying yes at least once.





	Penaldicks

**Author's Note:**

> **Horror #:** C49  
>  **Title:** Penaldicks  
>  **Pairing:** Sehun x Yixing  
>  **Rating:** R / 18+  
>  **Tags:** Sexuality-related phobia; harassment; sensitive material regarding asexuality; blood; violent imagery; death.  
>   
> 
> 
> ◈◇◈◇◈
> 
>   
> 
> 
>   
> This story contains events and descriptions that could damage the sensitivity of readers.  
>   
>  ** _Please_** go back to the tag section and take every word seriously.  
>   
>  Each person reacts differently to certain situations, and while some might find it completely non-triggering—even boring—many others might found it somewhat traumatic. What matters the most to me is your well-being, both as readers and people, so if any of the tags are uncomfortable for you, please consider it before proceeding.  
>   
> Without more to say, thanks and enjoy your reading.  
> 

 

The music was loud; so loud that you could feel the floor vibrating to the rhythm of the electronic song the DJ was currently playing. The lighting of the place sucked. All the neon lights didn’t let one’s eyes see any color other than red, pink or purple, with tiny lights that formed from their position on the ceiling, blue and green psychedelic patterns bouncing off the walls. The dance floor was full of people. Their bodies jumping and swaying next to each other, leaving no space for anything, not even air, to fit among them.

Sehun was sitting at his table in front of the dance floor, watching Chanyeol and Jongdae trying to match their drunken movements with the upbeat song on the background, while Baekhyun laughed at how silly they looked and Luhan recorded them with his phone. He had been there just a few minutes ago, but that same lack of air had motivated him to leave the dance floor for a moment, taking advantage of the fact that Yixing had gone to the restroom.

He looked away from his friends, sipping at his _moonlight margarita_. The bittersweet taste of curacao immediately registering on his palate. Scanning the place, his eyes only found dozens of people, most of them in a completely drunken state, either dancing incessantly or sitting at their tables or at the bar. Many of them—he would dare to say that more than half of those present, actually—were trying to score with some boy or girl they might find _hot_ , seeming desperate to take them home and have the one-night stand of their lives.

Sehun laughed at this last thought and shook his head. He couldn’t understand the point of calling someone _‘hot’_. What were they? An oven? The weather? Come on, they were people, for fuck’s sake! People aren’t hot unless they catch a cold and their temperature is high. He really, really couldn’t understand. No matter how many times he tried, he just couldn’t get the meaning behind calling someone _hot_. And it wasn’t because he had a disease that didn’t allow him to reason. He was in a completely healthy state. But he simply didn’t know what it was like to think that someone was _hot_ , or to want to take someone home just to have sex.

When he was just becoming a teenager, and everyone at school was discovering their sexualities, while hearing the comments about how his friends and classmates had had an erection. How they had watched porn or imagined some girl doing it with them. How they had masturbated to put the _thing_ down. How much _they had liked it_. All that Sehun could think about was how _disgusting_ it would be to touch himself, or even worse, to have someone touching him that way.

Back then he hadn’t known the reason why he had these thoughts and why he didn’t feel anything but repulsion, but it wasn’t something that bothered him. He knew his body worked perfectly fine, if the erections he woke up with in the mornings could count as a proof of it; and that ‘being hard’, as his classmates liked to call it, was normal—that was what his biology book said, at least. He also knew that he would have to deal with it for the rest of his life until he eventually became an old man with erectile dysfunction, and he was kind of okay with it. That’s how anatomy worked and it wasn’t as if he could change it, anyway. But he didn’t find the idea of having to _touch it_ in order to solve the issue pleasing.

At the beginning he hadn’t paid much attention to it, thinking that maybe his manhood was simply taking a little while to arrive. He was sure that once he got it, those thoughts, along with the disgust, would disappear. But when a few weeks turned into months, and later on into a year, Sehun, with only 16 years old, began to think that maybe something was broken inside him. That it was why he couldn’t relate to his classmates’ experiences. He grew frustrated with the world and with himself, and so he tried to fix his problem.

One night before going to bed, he decided that he would watch porn, hoping that his penis would—finally—wake up because of arousal and not because it was what it had to do according to nature. What he obtained as a result, however, was nothing more than his laptop’s screen crashed due to how hard he had closed it; a huge sensation of repulsion in the pit of his stomach; and a terrible desire to cry.

He hadn’t liked it.

Not even a little bit.

After that awful night, he came to the conclusion that he would let things happen when they had to happen, and he actually felt at peace with that decision.

Two months later, he discovered himself staring intently at a boy who was quite aesthetically pleasing to the eye. He wanted to know him with the simple intention of getting close to him. And the idea of maybe hugging him, and sharing some little kisses with him, and cuddling with him, and walking hand in hand with him, wasn’t that bad, and _shit_ , _he was gay_.

Deep inside, he had expected something like that. It had been more like a confirmation rather than a discovery—he had never found girls pretty enough to want to take them by the hand and kiss them, and _love_ them. At the same time, in his brain appeared the answer to the issue that had been tormenting him ever since ‘sexuality’ was a regular topic among his friends—Sehun liked boys, not girls, so it made sense that he didn’t find the idea of having a sexual encounter with a girl appealing. Of course his body wouldn’t react to the thought of having a girl in his bed because they weren’t for him!

It had been easy at first to think that that had been the answer. The thing was that he didn’t feel that _‘gay’_ fit him, because gay people would still have sex, right? And maybe they would like the idea of having it… right? But that wasn’t his case. When he tried to think about being with a guy in _that_ way, instead of feeling something interesting as he thought he would, the same disgust appeared again. He still found it gross and he was sure that he wouldn’t like to face that situation, no matter what the gender of the other person was. So was ‘gay’ really the word that suited him? He didn’t feel identified with it, and that disturbed him.

As time progressed, and as Sehun was still wondering if he could really consider himself homosexual, he noticed that there was still no change with his lack of horniness. He still never got turned on, under any circumstances. He even got to like someone around that time, but he still didn’t succeed and, in fact, everything ended up being a catastrophe.

Many people, both boys and girls, would suggest him to have sex, but Sehun would always reject them, feeling dirty for being the object of such thoughts in other people’s minds. He began to write down his thoughts in a notebook when people who weren’t strangers for him would make him such insinuations, as a way of expressing what he felt since he didn’t know who to talk to. Chanyeol had been one of those people, for example, and that had totally perturbed their friendship back then. They eventually got over it, of course, and he was now someone who Sehun treasured a lot.

Every time he saw someone who was cataloged by society as ‘sexy’, ‘hot’, or any other adjective like those, he simply felt nothing; not the slightest sensation ever appeared. He never passed by someone and imagined what he would like to do with them in bed. He never found himself thinking, _Wow, I want to get my stick into that guy!_ Or, _Fuck, that guy is so hot that I just want to have my hands roaming all over his naked self_.

He liked boys; he was certain of it. He felt some kind of attraction toward them because he did want to be involved in a romantic relationship with them. He realized he could admire the way they looked just as if he were admiring a beautiful painting, but when it came to sexual attraction, there was simply none of it. He never reacted to sexual comments. He never felt the urge to touch himself, nor to touch someone else. He never imagined banging someone ‘hot’ at the high school’s restrooms. He couldn’t relate to the feelings his friends and classmates, and actually any other person, felt toward other individuals—he was different and that made him feel lonely.

That’s why one day, about a year after his failed porn night, he took his time to analyze his situation, being fed up with not knowing what he was. After having done a thorough research, and having read tons and tons of articles and blogs, he finally found his answer, and _‘asexual’_ was the word he had been looking for. He discovered that the term referred to those people who simply didn’t experience sexual attraction toward any gender, and he was sure that he had never in his life felt as identified with something as much as he had done that day.

He felt how the stress and pressure to know what was wrong with him left his body and that had probably been one of the best feelings he had ever experienced in his short life. However, another doubt remained rooted in his brain—if he was asexual, then how was it possible for him to still want to be in a relationship with a guy? Was he then a weird specimen? Was he destined to be frustrated with what he was—or wasn’t—for the rest of his life?

Just as the stress was coming back to him, a title in a blog caught his attention. _‘The Concept of Love’_ was what could be read, and along the paragraphs, he learned that there was something called _‘romantic orientation’_. Most of the time, people tended to associate romantic attraction with sexual attraction; to take them as the same thing. Because falling in love and being in a relationship led in some way to consummate your love through sex—being it with a man or a woman, whichever you preferred—but they weren’t the same.

Whereas sexual orientation was a person’s desire to have sexual contact with someone, with feelings not necessarily being involved, romantic orientation was a person’s desire to have a romantic relationship with another individual—with sexual attraction not necessarily being involved. And just as sexual orientation could be classified as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, and so on, romantic orientation had its different ‘types’, as well. There were _heteroromantic_ people, who were those who experienced romantic attraction toward a different gender. _Homoromantic_ people, who were, just as Sehun could relate, romantically attracted to their same gender. _Biromantic_ , who experienced romantic attraction toward both female and male genders. And _aromantic_ people, who didn’t experience romantic attraction toward any gender at all.

Sehun read that article over and over again. He searched other blogs and many other articles. In the end, when the information he got wasn’t much different to the first things he had read, he then confirmed that he was, if he had to label himself, a _homoromantic asexual_.

His concern now—because his life was full of concerns; _how tragic_ —wasn't how people would react or what they would say, because he couldn’t care less about it, but what he would do once he found someone he wanted to be with. He wanted to have a boyfriend, but that would imply to eventually have sex with him. He was worried about it, but he decided he wouldn’t suffer at that moment. He simply wouldn’t allow himself to get involved romantically with anyone until he found the right one. Until he was sure that this someone was willing to accept him just the way he was and would still love him because of that.

For two years Sehun’s life went well and problems were avoided. He didn’t date anyone; he didn’t meet anyone. He continued rejecting people who only wanted to spend the night with him, and he was just fine with that way of living. Everything was just perfect, until one Friday afternoon, in the year in which Sehun had turned 19, Chanyeol introduced him to one of his classmates from that music class he was in. That’s how Zhang Yixing came into the picture and how his plans about not getting involved romantically with someone were completely ruined.

And speaking of Yixing, Sehun realized that it had been long since he had been gone. Maybe there were many people lining up, waiting to use the restroom. He continued drinking his margarita and watching how Luhan was now dancing on the floor. He laughed at the scene and was about to yell at his friends to stop being ridiculous when he felt someone sitting next to him.

“You took your time,” Sehun said, still looking straight ahead, snorting when Jongdae joined Luhan on the floor.

“You noticed? Well, I spent an hour thinking if I should come to your table and say hi. I didn’t want to keep looking at you from afar, so here I am.”

Sehun didn’t identify the voice as Yixing’s, so he immediately turned his head to whoever this person was. Next to him was a guy about his age smirking at him, with one of his eyebrows raised. Sehun was sure he had seen him before, but he couldn’t remember where.

“Don’t you remember me, Sehun?”

No, he didn’t— _no, wait!_ He did! The guy was one of Jongdae’s classmates at the university! What was his name? Taeyong? Taeil? He didn’t remember, and he actually didn’t care.

“I don’t want to be rude, but may I help you?” Sehun asked, trying to sound as indifferent as possible. He knew where this talk was going and he wasn’t willing to go through this again; not today.

He lightly touched Sehun’s arm and leaned toward him, causing Sehun to identify the presence of alcohol on the guy’s breath. “Oh, trust me! You can help me in many, many ways!” the guy suggestively said, throwing him a smile.

Sehun withdrew the other’s hand and pulled back, wanting to increase the distance between them. He breathed in and out twice, trying to stay as calm as he could. He wouldn’t put on a show tonight.

“I’m not interested, but thanks for the offer.”

“Come on, man, we’re going to have so much fun!” the other exclaimed, frowning when he realized Sehun was far from him again.

“I don’t think so, but again, thanks for the offer.”

“Oh, come on, Hunnie! I’m sure you will enjoy it!” the guy said, licking his lips. “Maybe tonight you’ll finally solve your dick problem!” He moved closer to Sehun again, this time going further with placing his hand on his thigh.

Sehun immediately rose from his place, hitting the table with the sudden movement and causing all the glasses and bottles to fall. “Look, I already told you I’m not interested, so please go back where you came from and leave me alone.”

The other’s surprised face immediately reflected anger. He got up and walked around the table, standing in front of Sehun. “It doesn’t surprise me why you’re still sick! What a waste of an ass and dick, Sehun… I wonder how Zhang deals with you!” He looked around the place as if searching for something, and when his eyes looked at Sehun’s again, a mocking smile appeared on his face. “Where is he, by the way? Where’s Yixing, Sehun?”

Sehun frowned at the question.

“He isn’t around, I can see,” the guy continued. “I bet he’s at the restroom right now, fucking with some drunk dude. Receiving what you don’t give him at night. I’ll go find him. Maybe he’ll be lucky and he’ll be fucked twice tonight like the whore he is.”

Sehun felt the rage flooding his system with each word the other let out of his mouth. He didn’t care if people found it funny to mess up with him, but including Yixing in their stupid games was overstepping the limit, and he wouldn’t allow them to talk about his boyfriend that way.

In a quick movement he lifted his fist up, aiming to the guy’s face, but just as fast as he had raised it, a pair of arms prevented him from reaching his goal. He shook violently trying to free himself, without succeeding.

“Stop it, Sehun! Stop it!” Chanyeol yelled at him, squeezing his arms tightly to keep Sehun at bay. “It’s not worth it! Stop it!”

Suddenly Luhan and Baekhyun appeared in front of him, while Jongdae was standing in front of the other guy, telling him something Sehun couldn’t hear.

“Let me go!” he said without taking his eyes off the guy. He saw how Jongdae just pushed the other, yelling him to go away. Once he was nowhere near their table, Sehun tried to take Chanyeol off him again. “I said let me go!”

The taller guy released him and they all gathered around Sehun at a considerable distance, not wanting to upset him even more.

“What happened?” Jongdae asked, lifting the pieces of broken bottles and glasses off the floor and placing them on the table to prevent people from stepping on them. “Where’s Yixing?”

Sehun didn’t answer, so Luhan took a deep breath and said, “I’ll go find him.”

“I’ll help you,” Baekhyun said before Luhan was gone. “Try to calm down, Sehun.”

Sehun just walked to their table again and stood there, leaning with one hand on the back of a chair. He rubbed his face, and then pulled at his blond hair in frustration.

_What was people’s problem?_

Chanyeol sat in one of the chairs, next to Jongdae. They remained silent, and Sehun internally thanked them for that. He knew they were worried and wanted answers, but he didn’t care about explaining the scene which hadn’t been that different from the previous ones he had been part of—the slight difference being that his annoyance had been replaced by anger and it had gone a little out of control.

He watched the blue remains of his margarita spilled all over the table and breathed in and out again. He needed to calm down first so he could go retrieve Yixing to get out of this place.

The music was still loud and the lighting still sucked. The people who had turned their attention to witness Sehun’s scene were now back at their activities, already forgetting what had happened a few minutes ago.

“ _He was a jerk._ ”

“What?” Sehun looked at his friends, not fully understanding.

“We haven’t spoken.” Jongdae frowned, looking between Sehun and Chanyeol.

“Then who—”

“ _It was me!_ ” someone said behind Sehun, at the table next to theirs.

Sehun turned to look at the owner of the voice over his shoulder, while Chanyeol and Jongdae peered behind him. There sat a man who was probably 10 years older than Sehun. His hair was styled to the side, and he wore a luxurious suit that Sehun was sure cost at least $1,000 dollars.

“Sorry, I…” the man started, smiling at him. “You’ll see, I’ve been here for over an hour and I listened to the whole… issue with the other guy. He was a jerk.”

Sehun had never seen this man in his life before. He stared at him, analyzing whether it was safe to let him talk again or just pretend he hadn’t heard him. He didn’t have enough time to decide, though, because the man spoke before he could even put his brain to work.

“Let me invite you a drink… Sehun, right? You look tense.”

Sehun frowned, not liking the guy’s tone of voice. “Thanks, but we’ve had enough alcohol tonight.”

The man smiled at him again and played with his glass, slowly caressing its rim. He looked at Sehun for a while, making him feel uncomfortable.

“Would you like to continue partying at my place, Sehun?” he asked. “You seem a captivating person and I would like to know you better. You can stay there if you end up really drunk. Maybe I could help you release the tension the other guy provoked in you,” he offered, raising an eyebrow and biting his lip when he was done talking.

Sehun stared at him with a deep scowl on his face—did he really have the guts to offer such a thing after having witnessed what had happened before? Was he being serious?

“Okay, thanks, man, but I think he’s not interested in spending the night with anyone. So please just—” Chanyeol started, standing up from his seat, but was interrupted by Sehun’s laughter.

The three men turned to look at him; Chanyeol and Jongdae seeming confused, while the man sent him an amused look.

“Listen, dude,” Sehun said, scratching his forehead in an attempt to calm his nerves, his crazy smile still on his face. “I have no idea who you are, but trust me I don’t give a fuck. It’s none of your business, but just so you know, I’m asexual and I’m not in the least interested in having sex with anyone.” He began to move closer to where the man was, pushing away Chanyeol’s and Jongdae’s arms that were trying to stop him from moving. “I’ve never had sex with my boyfriend. What makes you think that I’m going to make an exception with you?”

Sehun was already in front of the other, pointing a finger toward him, dangerously close to losing his senses and punch him in the face. “I don’t want you to buy me a drink. I don’t want you to invite me to your place. I don’t even want you to look at my direction. Now, if you don’t want your pretty suit to end up shattered, please go fuck yourself and leave me alone. Is it clear?”

By the time Sehun stopped speaking, Chanyeol was already standing behind him, while Jongdae was between Sehun and the man. Both holding him by the arms in an attempt to take him away from the other. The man didn’t even bat an eye at Sehun’s words. He just simply stared at him, the smug smile long since erased from his face.

“I asked if it was clear,” Sehun said, twisting his arms for his friends to let him go.

The man suddenly smiled again, sipping whatever he was drinking. “Don’t worry, _Sehunnie_. It was clear.”

Sehun stepped back and only then did his friends release him. They moved to sit down again, but Sehun, instead of taking a seat, started to walk away, ignoring the calls of his friends to go back to the table. He headed to the bar and asked for a round of tequila shots when the bartender came near. He needed more than just blue, bittersweet liquor.

The bartender put in front of him five shot glasses, filling them with tequila. He smiled at Sehun once he was done, and told him to call him again if he wanted another round. The first shot burned inside him, and he would’ve winced had it not been for his anger was burning inside him with much more intensity than the tequila had done.

He just simply couldn’t believe what had happened. It was beyond his understanding how people could act as complete idiots, as if they didn’t have a brain to think with it. Why did they always keep on pushing him to accept their sexual insinuations? Was it that difficult to understand that ‘no’ was _‘no’_?

Sehun knew that the way he had behaved a few moments ago had been completely irresponsible. Not only had he let violence be almost involved, but also he hadn’t come to the club alone. Yixing and his friends were there with him, and getting into a fight would end up ruining everyone’s night and putting them in danger.

He drowned two shots in a row, wanting to replace with that burning sensation the disgust and nausea that had been there since that first guy had approached him. Now that the adrenaline rush of the moment was gone, all he wanted to do was to get home, take a long shower, and snuggle in his bed next to Yixing, hoping not to end up crying in his arms tonight.

Sehun took the fourth shot and drank it, to then leave his head hanging in between his arms. He closed his eyes, trying to keep the neon lights out of his sight, and focused on breathing again, doing his best to keep the music out of his ears.

“Do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot?”

Sehun’s shoulders relaxed automatically and a slight laughter escaped from his lips.

“Go away, I have a boyfriend,” Sehun said, already imagining the smile that had probably appeared on the other’s face, brighter than the neon lights in the club.

“Yeah, I’ve heard he’s even hotter than you.”

 _The audacity of the man._ Sehun scoffed at the comment and shook his head, his own smile still on his face. He kept his eyes closed for a little while, not wanting to burst the bubble in which only the two of them were at the moment. A few seconds later, he opened his eyes and turned his head to his left, finding that dimpled smile that never failed to make him feel better.

“Where were you?”

“Standing in line to use the restroom,” Yixing said, rolling his eyes. “Guys don’t usually take as much time as girls, but there was a kid who didn’t know how to drink in moderation and we had to wait for the staff to clean up.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah, I know. My bladder was killing me.”

Sehun shook his head and sent him an amused smile. He took his eyes away from Yixing and stared at the remaining tequila shot in front of him, trying to look as calm as possible. He didn’t know how much Yixing knew, but he didn’t want to worry him.

They stayed in silence for a while, until Yixing spoke again.

“You okay?” he asked, extending his hand to caress the blond locks on Sehun’s nape.

Sehun leaned into the touch, thinking about how it was possible for Yixing to manage to, with just a caress, release all the stress he was carrying.  “Now I am…” He closed his eyes again and leaned slightly to his left until he was in contact with Yixing. The latter softly placed his lips on his temples.

“What happened in there?” Yixing eventually asked, still caressing Sehun’s hair.

“It was nothing.” Sehun sighed, pulling away to sit properly again. “You know how this works. It doesn’t matter.”

He didn’t look at Yixing to prevent him from knowing how much it had affected him, but he knew Yixing knew him, and of course, he wouldn't let it pass.

“It matters to me,” Yixing said. “You were about to start a fight. Not once, but twice. And you’re still trembling.” Sehun frowned at this; he hadn’t noticed he was trembling. “Please don’t tell me it was nothing, because it _never_ is ‘nothing’.”

Yixing was right and Sehun knew it, but he was tired and he didn’t want to talk about it again.

“Did any of them touch you?”

Sehun snapped his head at him, frowning at the sudden question. He remained silent for a few seconds, processing what to answer. After a while he faced the shelves that held bottles of different liquors in front of him, instead of replying. He didn’t want him to get angry. It was enough with his own feelings; Yixing didn’t deserve to feel the same.

“Sehun,” Yixing spoke again, gently taking Sehun’s chin. “Did any of them touch you?”

Sehun sighed, finding it stupid to try to lie to him. He was sure that Yixing already sensed it. “The… the first one. Jongdae’s classmate.” Yixing’s thumb stopped caressing his chin. “He put his hand on my thigh.”

He saw how Yixing’s jaw tightened and how quickly the softness of his eyes changed to a darker, more intense emotion. Something that only happened when he was angry—this was what he had wanted to avoid. Yixing lowered his hand and turned his head to look around, looking for something.

“But that’s not the reason why I wanted to punch him!” Sehun hastened to add. “He brought you into his shitty speech and I didn’t like what he said. That’s it.”

Yixing looked at him with a deep frown on his face. Sehun smiled at him in an attempt to calm him down, succeeding when the frown disappeared and a sigh left Yixing’s lips. He felt proud for having the same impact on him as much as Yixing had it on Sehun himself.

Yixing leaned to the front, burying his face on Sehun’s neck. The taller turned his body from his seat so he could hug him properly.

“I’m sorry,” Yixing said, causing Sehun to frown. “I should’ve been there. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no… Xing, this wasn’t your fault.” Sehun pulled away to look at him. “Please don’t worry. You’re here now and that’s what matters.”

He looked into his eyes and Yixing didn’t seem that convinced, so Sehun took his chin and leaned in to kiss him, trying to reassure him that everything was alright.

Some people found it absurd and hypocrite from him to say he wasn’t interested in sex, yet he still would kiss and caress Yixing. Kisses and caresses sometimes led to sex, that was true, but Sehun was sure that they not necessarily had to be given with a sexual intention. People tend to kiss someone, or caress someone, to show them their affection; _their love_. It was just the same as a mother kissing her baby, or a father caressing his daughter’s face after coming back from work and she’s already asleep. It didn’t have to have a sexual connotation. It was just an act made out of love and nothing else.

He still could remember the first time he had kissed Yixing. How he had felt something bubbling inside him, and how much he had been scared of it. He had been scared because he had never experienced something like that before and he had liked it. It had produced him a joyful feeling, not a disgusting one, and ever since that day, kissing Yixing had become one of his favorite things in the world. That hadn’t change even after that one day when their kisses had almost led them to have sex. That night he had ended up sobbing uncontrollably, feeling for the first time in his life angry with himself for being how he was; for not being able to be different for Yixing.

The music in the club would remain loud and the lighting would still suck for the rest of the night, but Sehun didn’t mind it anymore. When he pulled apart, he placed a soft kiss on Yixing’s forehead. He took the last tequila shot from the bar and drank it, getting ready to leave the club.

“Come on, let’s go back to the others. I want to go home.”

He took Yixing by the hand and started walking toward their table.

“Wait,” Yixing said, lightly pulling his hand so Sehun would look at him. “You go for them, I need to do something first.”

“Where are you going?”

“It won’t take much time. I see you outside, at the entrance of the club.” Yixing pecked Sehun on the lips and walked away, swimming in the ocean of dancing people.

Sehun stayed rooted on his spot not understanding anything, until he lost sight of his boyfriend. He walked back to their table, finding his four friends animatedly talking. He felt relieved about not having ruined their mood after his two incidents that night.

“Why is it that every time I looked at you tonight Yixing wasn’t with you?” Baekhyun asked once Sehun was close to their table. “One day someone will kidnap him and you won’t notice.”

“Nobody’s going to be kidnapped, Baek,” Luhan said, rolling his eyes. “But he’s right, why isn’t Yixing with you?”

“He said he had something to do.” Luhan sent him a questioning look and Sehun just shrugged. “He didn't tell me.”

“Can we go home now?” Chanyeol asked rubbing one of his eyes. “I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

Sehun smiled at him and nodded his head. “Let’s go, Yixing will see us outside.”

The others stood up, taking their belongings and walking toward the entrance. Sehun noticed that the man in a suit wasn’t there anymore and he sighed, feeling exhausted. _What a night..._

A cold breeze hit them all when they left the club, making them regret not having worn different clothes that night. They waited for Yixing to come out, talking about nothing in specific. The effects of the alcohol had begun to dissipate, sobering them enough to behave as the adults they supposedly were.

A few minutes later Yixing walked out the main entrance, sending them a smile once he saw them. Sehun saw how he was holding his fist, caressing it as if trying to lessen some pain. Yixing noticed and immediately put down his hands.

“Are we leaving?” Yixing asked, standing closer to Sehun to warm himself up.

Sehun took advantage of it and hugged him from behind, trying to share with him his own warm.

“We’re calling to a taxi, just wait,” Jongdae said with his phone on his ear.

10 minutes later, two taxis arrived. One of them took Baekhyun, Luhan, and Jongdae home, while the other took Sehun, Yixing, and Chanyeol.

Once in the car, Yixing snuggled next to Sehun, resting his head on his shoulder. Sehun placed one arm around him and intertwined his free hand with Yixing’s. Sehun talked with Chanyeol all the way to the latter’s apartment, and once Chanyeol was home, he gave the taxi driver their own address.

Sehun hugged Yixing tighter when he noticed that his eyes were closed and tried with all his might not to fall asleep as well. He looked down at their intertwined hands and a little smile appeared on his face.

They had been together for almost two years, and Sehun still couldn’t believe he had been lucky enough to find him. That was one of the things he would never stop thanking Chanyeol for. Without him, he wouldn’t have met the man in his arms and he wouldn't be as happy as he was right now.

Sehun’s eyes were still glued to their hands when the taxi passed under a bridge that was completely illuminated. That’s why he saw how Yixing’s knuckles were red, almost purple. He stared at Yixing’s hand and he couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. He hoped Taeyong’s face—or maybe Taeil’s, he still wasn’t sure—wouldn’t hurt that much.

Sehun brought Yixing’s hand to his mouth and placed soft kisses all over the injured area, hoping even more that it wouldn’t hurt him that much tomorrow morning.

He looked at the window over Yixing’s head and let his eyes wander through the streets they were passing by, with a small smile plastered on his face.

His life wasn’t that bad, after all.

 

 

5 days later, Sehun found himself walking down the street, heading back home from the university. He was hungry just as he was tired. His day at work had been tiring and his classes had been boring and stressful. The only thing he wanted to do was to throw himself on the couch and eat whatever Yixing had prepared for dinner. The bus tonight had taken more time to arrive, delaying his lazy intentions for the night. He had no idea what time it was since the battery of his phone had died a few hours ago and he hadn’t brought his changer with him, but he was sure that it was already something past 10 p.m. Yixing surely was already home; he always came back at 9.

He walked a few more steps before turning the corner and what he saw was definitely not something he had expected. The area where they lived in was generally quiet and calm. It was unusual for people to hear about crimes that were committed there, so founding two police patrols stationed in front of the building took Sehun aback.

The first thing that came to his mind was Yixing. At that moment he regretted not having borrowed a charger for his phone. He entered the building and saw two police officers standing in the middle of the lobby.

“Good night, sir. Do you live here?”

“Good night.” Sehun bowed. “I do.”

“Could you provide us with your name and the number of your apartment, please?” one of them politely asked, ready to write down Sehun’s answer in a little notebook.

“It’s—” The _ding_ of the elevator interrupted him; another police officer came out of it. “It’s Oh Sehun. Apartment 116.”

“We’ve been waiting for you, Mr. Oh,” the officer said putting the little notebook in the back pocket of his pants. “Please follow me.”

The two officers who stayed in the lobby nodded their head slightly in greeting when Sehun walked by. The officer led him to the elevator and Sehun felt a strange twinge in his chest— _what the hell was going on? Where was Yixing?_

“We received a call about an hour ago from Mr. Zhang,” he said, calling the elevator, “reporting us that your apartment had suffered a burglary.” The elevator arrived and both entered. “An inspection of the place was made, and apparently nothing was stolen. All valuable belongings are still there.”

Sehun frowned after hearing this. Who enters to rob an apartment and doesn’t take anything from it? It didn’t make sense. The doors then opened, showing them the hall. The first thing he saw was Yixing with his backpack still on, talking to an officer—the twinge disappeared.

Both men left the elevator and walked through the hall. Once near, Sehun placed his hand on Yixing’s back, causing him to jump in surprise.

“You’re already here!” Yixing said, looking away from the officer to Sehun. The latter only nodded. “Wait a minute, we’re almost done.”

While Yixing finished talking to the officer, Sehun peered inside their apartment. The door was open since three officers, including the one who had interrogated him, were in there. They were roaming all over the place, probably searching for evidence.

He could see how the living room was a mess. The couches had been moved and their small coffee table was lying on the floor. The bookshelves were completely empty since the books and magazines that had been arranged there were now all over the floor. The paintings that had been hanging on the walls were also on the floor. Their living room wasn’t particularly large, so it looked quite chaotic, full of things here and there. Sehun couldn’t even imagine how the other rooms would look like.

“—tigation will be carried out to find the person responsible of this,” the officer said to Yixing. “We will keep you informed.”

The three men who were inside the apartment came out and stood in front of the couple. They asked them to still check all their belongings to find if there was something that could be missing, anyway. After bidding their farewells, the four men walked down the hall and left in the elevator.

Once alone, Sehun looked at Yixing and the latter sighed, leaning in and placing his forehead on Sehun’s shoulder. The younger put his arms around him, pulling him closer. A muffled _‘hey’_ left Yixing’s lips and Sehun smiled, placing a soft kiss on his head.

“Hey,” he said back. “Would you mind telling me what happened?”

“I don’t know.” Yixing stood up straight again. “When I arrived the door was open, and every room looked as it is right now.” He brought his hands to his face and rubbed it. The bruises on his knuckles were almost imperceptible now. “I tried to call you, but it sent me to voicemail every time I did.”

“My phone died,” Sehun explained, and Yixing hummed in understanding. “Let’s go in. I don’t want us to stay here all night.”

They entered the apartment and moved one of the couches that was almost blocking the entrance. Sehun began to pick up the books that were on his way, pilling them up in one of the shelves. He could hear Yixing roaming in the kitchen, moving what were probably the chairs and arranging whatever was on the floor.

Yixing appeared in the living room again, stopping next to Sehun who was accommodating the remaining couch on its place.

“I already called Mr. Kang and he said he would come to check the damages tomorrow.” Yixing took off his backpack and placed it on the couch. “He sounded apologetic. He told me that he wouldn’t charge us for any material damage.”

Sehun nodded, feeling grateful toward the owner of the apartment and his kindness. “That’s great. But…” He furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought. “There’s something that’s disturbing me. Things like these had never happened before. Don’t you find it weird?”

“Well… It sucks that it happened to us, actually, but I’m grateful that they only entered to make a mess and didn’t take anything away. And also that neither of us was here.”

Sehun hummed, not being sure about what to reply. Yixing had a point, but he still felt that something was off about this whole situation.

“Don’t think too much about it right now,” Yixing said again, extending his hand toward Sehun. “When the police get something, they’ll let us know. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Okay…” Sehun took his hand and pulled him close. “Did you have a good day, by the way? Removing this unexpected event, of course.”

“I did. What about you?” Sehun’s wrinkled nose was his answer, and he smiled, giving him a soft kiss on the lips. “Go change, and we’ll talk about this terrible day of yours over dinner.”

Yixing walked back to the kitchen and Sehun took off his backpack, placing it on the couch next to Yixing’s.

He went to their room and what he found was a mess not that different from the one in the living room. In fact, it was probably worse. There were clothes and shoes thrown everywhere, even on top of the bed. The sheets and the pillows were on the floor, as well as the drawers, with all their contents next to them. Sehun looked at their closet and he noticed that it was almost empty. The boxes they kept in there were open on the floor, also empty. Everything was spread around the room.

He walked in, looking for something that they could wear as pajamas. After a few minutes, Sehun managed to get two pairs of sweatpants and two shirts for both. The ones chosen for him were clothes he hadn’t worn for a long time. At least this weird event had brought him something good—he had seen many clothes lying around that he didn’t even remember having. He changed his clothes, and while he waited for Yixing to finish preparing their dinner, he began to put what he could in its respective place.

He arranged the bed and the drawers. He folded some of the clothes that were lying on the bed, and when he approached the closet to put them in their place, he noticed that there was a single object at the bottom of it. He put the clothes back and crouched down. Sehun then identified the object as a notebook. More specifically, his old… _diary_ _?_ He wasn’t sure if he could consider it a diary since he didn’t write every single day on it, but it had been a way to vent all the thoughts that had tormented him during those confusing years of his life.

Sehun was 16 when he wrote in that notebook for the first time. The reason? He had yet to discover he was asexual and he, without even planning it, had experienced the first almost-sexual encounter of his life and he hadn’t known how to deal with it.

Back in high school, a few months after having _‘_ discovered’ he liked boys, he met a guy at his chemistry class called Kim Jongin. They had been assigned to the same table in the lab. It was mid-semester when their professor wanted the class to work in pairs for a project, and Jongin asked him if he wanted to be his teammate. Their relationship wasn’t the closest one because that was the only class they had together, but they were on pretty good terms, so Sehun didn’t find it that bad to accept.

After a few weeks of working together, Sehun had dared to say that they were friends, and he began to look forward to those days of the week when he could see and talk to him. He also noticed that Jongin wasn’t that bad looking—not that he ever thought he was bad looking, but he began to pay more attention to his looks. His tanned skin gleamed with sunlight, and his smile was prettier than any other smile he had seen in his life. He also noticed how Jongin’s movements were always elegant, reminding Sehun of a walking sculpture. He was mesmerized by the boy and it wasn’t long after when he realized that maybe, just maybe, he had a little crush on him.

Over time their interactions changed. They hugged for no reason, and playfully hit each other with their elbows or their fists. Sometimes their hands would innocently touch and every time it happened, Sehun would feel like tons of butterflies were flying in his stomach. It was his first romantic experience and he was really excited. Everything was perfect and he felt really content with how things were, but one day everything changed.

It was a Thursday afternoon when they were at Jongin’s, taking a rest after having worked all day. They were lying on the floor in Jongin’s room, chatting about the boy’s vacations in Japan. Sehun wasn’t sure how things developed that day, but he did remember that they had been talking and one moment later Jongin was leaning over, ready to steal his first kiss. Jongin’s hands were slowly caressing him, and although Sehun was rather uncomfortable with the situation, he decided he would go with the flow—maybe he would finally get horny and be normal, like all his friends.

 _Maybe_.

But unfortunately, that ‘maybe’ didn’t come true.

To say that he had enjoyed what they were doing would be a big lie. Sehun had always thought that his first kiss would be a good thing to remember, but at that moment he could only assure that he would always remember it as something nauseating. The kiss itself hadn’t been that bad considering his nonexistent experience. But when things began to heat up, and Jongin was on top of him, caressing him and tracing all the way down from his mouth to his neck, all Sehun wanted to do was to get rid of him. Every touch increased the disgust within him and it became difficult to breathe. He felt as disgusted as if he were swimming in the waters of some dirty sewer—and maybe that would’ve been less unpleasant than having Jongin’s hands and mouth all over his body.

When he couldn’t stand it anymore, Sehun shoved Jongin away, trying to get the boy off him. He didn’t waste any second, and once he was free, he took his belongings and left Jongin’s house. He ran with all his might to his own house with his clothes and hair being a complete mess, and his vision totally blurred because of his tears. Once he was in the safety of his room, the urge to vent what he was feeling was unbearable. His eyes then fell on a notebook that was on his desk, and having no better option, he quickly proceeded to write everything down.

After that fateful afternoon, Jongin told him that they would split the project and each one would do their part on their own. That was the last time Jongin spoke to him, and after the semester ended, he never came close to Sehun again.

Sighing, Sehun leafed through the first pages of the notebook. There he could see written with a messy handwriting his thoughts about all his ‘experiences’, clearly remembering how shaky his hands were every time he had opened the notebook.

He could grasp different names among the lines of each page he looked at.

_Kim Jongin;_

_Do Kyungsoo;_

_Kim Junmyeon;_

_Lee Donghae…_

He didn’t need to read to have the scenes replaying on his head. He felt a shiver running through his body and closed the notebook. It wasn’t the moment to remember past experiences. He placed it inside the lowest drawer in the small nightstand next to his side of the bed and laid down, with his face buried on the mattress.

Now that he thought about it, the notebook had way too many names and it was kind of creepy. It was basically a list of all the people who had wanted to get involved sexually with him at some point, strangers not included. In that notebook were his thoughts and feelings, some of them confused ones, from those times when _‘asexual’_ wasn’t even part of his vocabulary. Many, many others from when he already knew the word, but he still would feel the need to write, as a way of freeing himself.

Was it a weird way to do it? Most likely, yes, but Sehun hadn’t found any other way. He himself hadn’t known how to deal with it, less would he know how to express it to his parents, his brother, or his friends. The notebook had been his confidant, and even after having talked to his family or his closest friends about it, its pages still had received some entries—it’s not that easy to get rid of old habits, is it?

He heard noise coming from the corridor, but he didn’t move. It wasn’t long after when he felt some weight landing softly on top of his body. A loud groan left his lips and Yixing’s laughter interrupted the silence in which Sehun had been in.

“Am I that heavy?”

The offended yet playful tone of Yixing’s voice made him smile. “I thought my eyes would pop out of my skull,” Sehun mumbled, with his face still buried in the mattress.

“Are you calling me fat?”

Sehun laughed and turned his head to his left, his eyes finding the mirror of their dresser. He saw how Yixing was staring at the ceiling, with his back on top of Sehun’s own back and his arms spread open next to their bodies. He smiled at their reflection.

“I didn’t say that.” Sehun raised his hand on top of his head to caress Yixing’s soft hair a few times. “Are you comfortable?”

Yixing proudly nodded, and Sehun laughed again, letting him rest on top of him.

“We’re way too calm for having experienced a burglary, don’t you think?” Yixing asked, trying to suppress a yawn. “Why aren’t we panicking?”

That was true. From anyone’s perspective, they both were behaving as if it had been a day like any other. It didn’t look like they had been talking to the police half an hour ago.

“Probably because we’re weird people,” Sehun said. “Or maybe because we didn’t lose anything.”

“Or probably both.”

“That, or maybe we’re just hungry and that’s why—”

“Oh!” Yixing interrupted him, removing himself from Sehun and standing up. “That’s why I came! Dinner is ready!”

“Why didn’t you say anything?!” Sehun stood up as well, arranging his shirt, which had rolled up when Yixing laid on him.

Yixing sent him his most innocent smile and walked to get out of the room. “Just so you know,” he said, suddenly turning to face Sehun, causing the latter to almost crash with him, “I’m not fat, I’m just full of love. That extra weight is all the love I’ve accumulated for you.”

Sehun snorted and turned Yixing to the front again, pushing him to retake his walk. “The pick-up line you said about the sunburn at the club was way better than this.”

“Whatever, I know you’re internally squealing.”

Sehun rolled his eyes and continued pushing him—Yixing was _probably_ right, but he didn’t have to know it.

 

 

Sehun heard the front door opening. It was Saturday morning and he was making breakfast while he waited for Yixing to come back from running. Coffee could be smelled throughout the apartment and Sehun loved it.

“It smells good,” Yixing said when he entered the kitchen. “I thought I would find you still asleep.”

“Good morning.” Sehun sent him a smile after having put a piece of bacon in the pan. “You came back faster than usual.”

“Good morning,” Yixing said after having planted a soft kiss on his lips. “It’s drizzling. I decided to come back before it starts raining for real.”

Sehun turned to look at the window and saw small drops in it. “Oh,” he simply said. He hadn’t noticed it was drizzling. He turned back to the stove to take care of the bacon, but not before noticing that Yixing had a stack of envelopes in his hands. “What are those?”

“Envelopes,” Yixing matter-of-factly answered, earning a glare from Sehun. He chuckled and raised his hands in surrender. “Someone woke up moody…”

“I’m poisoning your bacon.”

“It’s just the mail, grumpy man!” Yixing laughed, checking the envelopes.

“Is there something interesting?” Sehun asked, ignoring the way Yixing had referred to him. He wasn’t a grumpy man. “Have the police already sent something?”

It had been about two weeks since the burglary incident and they still didn’t have information about it. A week before, both had gone to the police station, but they were told that a letter would be sent to them as soon as they had something, informing them if they were required to go to the station—they had basically been told to stop bothering.

“Well…” Yixing started, quickly peeping each envelope. “Here we have receipts, receipts, receipts… This one is”—he stopped at one that looked like a brochure and intently looked at it—”an ad. This restaurant offers home delivery. Let’s keep it.”

Sehun snorted and tried not to laugh at Yixing’s serious tone.

“There are more receipts,” Yixing continued, “another brochure, more receip— oh! This one is for you!” He extended his hand for Sehun to take the envelope.

Sehun frowned. He hadn’t been expecting something to arrive. He looked at it and noticed it was a normal, white envelope, with his name and address written on the front.

“Who sent it?” Yixing curiously asked.

“It doesn’t say.”

Yixing put the stack of envelopes on the table and stood next to Sehun, taking a look. “Maybe it’s from a secret admirer.” Sehun glared at him again. “Or maybe not! God, what a mood, love!”

“Leave me alone, _love_.”

“Do I smell bad?” Yixing asked, smelling his shirt. “Maybe I do and that’s why you’re not happy. I’m going to take a shower really fast.” Sehun scowled at him, showing him his tongue, thing to which Yixing responded by sending him a kiss with his hand. “I’ll be back! Then we’ll eat that burnt bacon that’s on the stove.”

Before Sehun could tell him anything else, Yixing ran out of the kitchen, in an attempt to save his life. Sehun, on the other hand, only gasped and after having thrown the envelope on the table, quickly faced the stove.

The slices of bacon were now a soft tone of black. He turned the stove off and put the little bacon carbons on the trash can, with a big pout on his face. At least the fried eggs and the coffee were okay. He sighed and sat at the table, waiting for Yixing to finish showering. He took the envelope he had left there and inspected it. There was just a folded sheet of paper on the inside. When he unfolded it, a prominent scowl appeared on his face. It was a normal sheet, save from it had a message formed with letters cut probably from magazines and ads, just like those creepy messages people received in movies.

Sehun stared at it for a while, not believing what his eyes were reading.

 

_‘Was rejecting me fun? I hope you enjoyed your asexual life because now it’s my turn to have fun. Wait for it, Sehunnie. I’m going to find a solution to your problem and prove to you that asexuals don’t exist.’_

 

A weird sensation appeared on his chest. He had never received this kind of things. Granted, people had made fun of him in high school when his asexuality became the latest gossip in the hallways of school. All those ‘mature’ teenagers had tried to judge him, pretending to know everything about life and sex, as if they weren’t between the ages of 16 and 18.  He had received notes in small papers, sticky notes stuck in his locker, and even explicit drawings placed on his desk, but never had those things felt like something else than a joke just to make fun of him. The message on this paper, however, felt as if whoever the sender was had taken his decline personal and was now trying to 'show him a lesson’ just for having said ‘no’.

He pondered what to do for a while, not being sure if he should take it seriously or not. It couldn't be more than a mad person who didn’t have anything else to do with their life. Someone who had felt their pride and dignity hurt by him. But if it really was someone like this, then how did they get his address? In that case, the person surely was someone he knew. Because nobody would ever spend the time in investigating him just for having refused to a night of sex… right?

Sehun thought about it and couldn’t really find an explanation. He folded the paper and put it inside the envelope. At that moment Yixing reentered the kitchen.

“Are you sure you took a shower?” Sehun asked, folding the envelope and putting it in his sweat’s pocket. “That was way too fast.”

“I only put my body under the shower until I was completely wet,” Yixing proudly said.

“You’re disgusting.” Sehun stood up from the table and proceeded to serve their plates.

“Just because you take half an hour shampooing your hair doesn’t mean I take hours to shower as well.” Yixing laughed and helped him with the coffee. “Besides, even if I had just wet my body, you still would accept it because you love me a lot.”

 _“Do I really?”_ Sehun heard Yixing gasp and he tried his best to suppress his laughter. “Hey, is the coffee already served? I’m hungry.” He took the plates with their fried eggs and added some rice to replace the bacon. “Xing?”

Sehun turned and saw Yixing standing there, with a shocked expression on his face. He ignored him, placing the plates in the table, and moved to serve the coffee the other had abandoned. After having everything ready on their table, he took a seat and started to eat.

“Why are you eating without me?!”

“Oh, you can still speak! I thought you had frozen over there and I’m hungry,” Sehun nonchalantly said.

Yixing glared at him and finally moved, taking out a bottle of orange juice from the fridge and serving it in two glasses.

“Why do you hate me so much?” he asked once he had sit next to Sehun at the table.

Sehun looked at him over the rim of his glass of juice.

“What are you looking at?”

Putting down his glass, Sehun smiled without replying, making Yixing pout. He stared at him for a while until Yixing began to blush because of to the excessive attention. Sehun laughed and said, “You’re my favorite person ever.” He leaned in and kissed Yixing’s forehead. “Now let’s eat.”

Of course he loved him.

More than anything in this world.

 

 

“Here. This was in our mailbox when I came back from work.”

Sehun looked up from his laptop to see Yixing with his arm extended toward him; his eyes buried in his backpack. He had a white envelope in his hand. It looked quite similar to the one he had received three days ago.

“Thanks,” he said, putting it next to his laptop without taking a look.

“Are you staying up late?” Yixing asked, placing his backpack on the couch.

“A little bit. I have some things to finish first.” Sehun faced the screen again. “Are you already going to sleep?”

“No…”

Sehun looked at him and saw him rubbing one of his eyes. He smiled at the scene and felt that familiar warmth spreading on his chest.

“You don’t have to wait for me, Xing. You get up earlier than I do. You should go to sleep.”

While Sehun worked as a waiter in a restaurant at mornings and went to the university at nights, Yixing’s schedule was to go to his classes to then go to work as an intern in a marketing consulting company. They had been doing so for almost half a year since they had decided to move together. The plan was to keep those jobs for another year until Yixing finally graduated and Sehun could start working as an intern.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll keep you company.” Yixing sat on the couch and took out a book from his backpack.

“Thank you,” Sehun mumbled, and Yixing sent him a smile.

An hour later, Sehun couldn’t stop yawning. It was past 1 a.m. and he still wasn’t done, but he was tired and it had been about 20 minutes that Yixing had fallen asleep.

He saved his work and turned his laptop off. It was then that he sent a glance toward the envelope, still sealed. He took it and saw, again, his name and his address written there. He considered whether to open it or not, but his curiosity gained over his common sense. He took the paper and unfolded it, disclosing a new message formed with different cut letters.

 

_‘Now that we have clear that I’m going to help you with your asexuality problem, I was thinking about it and maybe it’s just that you have some kind of sexual trauma. Am I right, Sehunnie? Do you have a trauma? I can help you get rid of it.’_

 

Sehun scrunched up his face and folded the paper again, placing it next to his laptop. He stayed at the table, thinking about the message. Now that he had read it, a weird twinge was bumping inside him. He rubbed his chest, hoping it would disappear.

 _Who was this person and what was their problem? What were their intentions?_ Sehun didn’t know, but whatever the reason was, it was annoying. He hoped to have enough luck for that paper sheet on the table to be the second and the last one to arrive.

“What’s with your frown?” Yixing suddenly asked, making Sehun come back to reality.

“Good night, Sleepy Beauty.”

A sheepish smile appeared on Yixing’s face. “I fell asleep, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Sehun softly laughed. He put his things back inside his backpack. Not wanting Yixing to read the stupid message, he placed both the envelope and the paper inside the backpack as well.

“Did you finish?”

“No, but I’m tired. I’ll continue later. Let’s go sleep.”

Yixing got up from the couch and placed the book he had on his lap inside his backpack. He stared at Sehun for a moment, with his eyes slightly narrowed. He then walked away, heading to their bedroom.

Sehun stayed there thinking about what that look had been, but shrugged it off and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“Are you worried about something?” Yixing eventually asked from their bedroom.

Sehun stopped his brushing and stared at his image in the mirror. Everything was just as always except for a deep frown that would normally not be there. _Ah, that it was,_ he thought. He rinsed his mouth and put his toothbrush on its place. He then entered the bedroom and saw Yixing already tucked under the blankets.

“I’m not worried. Why do you ask?”

Yixing looked at him without saying a word until Sehun joined him on the bed.

“You seem worried. Is everything fine?”

 _Well…_ Without taking into account the fact that he had received two envelopes with _peculiar_ messages and he didn’t know why or from whom they were… yeah, everything was pretty fine.

“It is,” Sehun replied, not wanting to worry him. “I’m just stressed over a homework. It’s nothing, don’t worry.”

Yixing didn’t look that convinced but Sehun snuggled next to him, burying his face on his neck.

Dropping the topic, Yixing hugged him, placing his cheek over Sehun’s head.

“Good night, Xing,” Sehun mumbled and received a kiss on top of his head.

“Night, love.”

They remained that way until Sehun felt Yixing’s body relaxing—he had fallen asleep. Sehun looked at the window and saw the soft moonlight entering, illuminating a little the room.

_It’s nothing, don’t worry…_

A silent sigh left his lips and he closed his eyes. He really hoped it was nothing.

 

 

A constant _‘You should start worrying’_ kept repeating in his head.

Today Sehun hadn’t had classes so he was back home from work. He was currently in the living room staring at the white envelope in his hands and looking completely conflicted. It had been three days since the second envelope had arrived, and now he had a third one in his possession.

He couldn’t understand it. The situation was extremely weird and if it had previously made him feel annoyed, now he was beginning to feel uneasy—one envelope could’ve been a prank. Two, an extra for that prank. But three were already an excess.

The question here was whether to open this new one or not. It wasn’t as if not knowing what the message said would bring him sleepless nights; quite the contrary, actually. But what if the message contained relevant information? Information about the one who was behind this. Was opening it worth it? Sehun knew it was stupid to follow this person’s game but something inside him was telling him not to take it so lightly— _maybe I should follow my instinct_ , he thought. So he opened the envelope and pulled out the paper.

 

_‘You may be traumatized, but you’re only in a stage of your life from which you’ll be out soon. Once it happens, we’re going to have a lot of fun together.'_

 

A shiver ran all over Sehun’s spine and without thinking it twice, he folded the paper again and stood up. He headed to the bedroom and opening the closet, he took out an empty box of shoes where he had stored the other two envelopes. He put the new one there and placed the box back to where it was.

He rubbed his face, trying to soothe the weird feeling in his chest.

_What kind of sick joke was this?_

If it was really that, it was one of an awful taste and it wasn’t funny at all. But what could he do? Go to the police? They weren’t helpful. They still hadn’t said anything about the burglary, even less would they help an asexual kid with immature pranksters.

Sure, he still had people to rely on; he wasn’t alone. He had his friends and family. He also had Yixing. _Dammit_ , he had Yixing and he knew that nobody would be as understanding as Yixing himself, but Sehun didn’t want him to be involved. Yixing was pretty fine staying in the darkness regarding this issue, as well as the rest of his beloved ones, so he was on his own with this. It was better this way.

What Sehun hadn’t taken into consideration was that the envelopes wouldn’t stop arriving, and three days later Yixing handed him the fourth one.

 

_‘Maybe it isn’t a trauma but a hormone problem. Have you gone check yourself, Sehunnie? You should do something about it just to make sure everything’s fine. I don’t want to fuck someone who’s sick.’_

 

And three days after that, the fifth one arrived.

 

_‘Have you considered taking pills? Maybe there’s one that will cure you… or kill you, whatever comes first.’_

 

And then the sixth one.

 

_‘I was just wondering, aren’t you hermaphrodite? Maybe you don’t need another person to give yourself pleasure and that’s why you haven’t experienced sex with someone else. But that can also be fixed, anyway…’_

 

And the seventh one.

 

_‘As a hermaphrodite, which gender do you prefer the most? I prefer your male side. You’re way too hot to even be real.’_

 

Then the eighth one.

 

_‘I read that asexuals are just gays in denial. Is it your case? But you have a boyfriend… Then what made you change? His dick? Mine’s better but you rejected it. What a shame.’_

 

By the time the ninth envelope was about to arrive, Sehun was already desperate and frustrated, and let’s not talk about how scared he also was. He had been receiving them for almost four weeks and it had affected him more than he thought it would. He had begun to spend less time at home, trying to distract himself with work and school so he wouldn’t think about the envelopes he had hidden in the closet. This had also led him to spend less time with Yixing, and the fact that he had begun to stay as far away from him as possible, to prevent him from realizing something was wrong, made everything worse.

Sehun didn’t know what to do. This stupid prank—which he now didn’t consider a prank at all—was messing horribly with him, and now he was a bunch of nerves every moment of the day. The twinge in his chest had become permanent. He constantly played with his fingers or bounced his legs quickly when he was sitting without even noticing. His mind was lost in his thoughts more often than ever and people had to talk to him several times to make him react.

The truth was that Sehun was mental and emotional unstable lately, and he had stopped to notice what was going on around him. That’s why, when Yixing entered the living room and placed the ninth envelope in front of him, he was more than surprised to find that Yixing’s eyes were glimmering something that couldn’t be described as anything other than despair.

Sehun stared at the piece of paper on the coffee table in front of him and then looked at Yixing again. He realized that Yixing already knew that something was wrong, both with Sehun and the envelopes. Of course he would; Yixing wasn’t blind. But Sehun thought he had succeeded in keeping him in the dark—which wasn’t supposed to be that hard, since he was almost avoiding him completely. Today, however, looking at his expression, Sehun knew he couldn’t escape his reality anymore.

“I’ve never liked to invade your privacy and I’ve always given you your space, but this sudden parade of envelopes is kind of driving me crazy, you know?” Yixing’s voice wasn’t kind nor calm as it always was. The annoyance and worry were reflected in his tone of voice and Sehun didn’t like that. “Do you think you could tell me what’s going on?”

Sehun looked at him without saying anything, trying to find the correct words—trying to decide whether he should tell him or not. Taking the envelope from the table without glancing at it, he eventually asked, “What are you talking about?”

Yixing’s eyes widened and disbelief settled on his face. “You’re not being serious…”

“Xing…“

“Please don’t treat me like I’m stupid, Sehun!” Yixing began to walk all over the place, with his fists clenched. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do, but—“

“Then why don’t you tell me?!” Yixing’s voice cracked and Sehun squeezed the envelope, feeling more than guilty for being the reason why Yixing was feeling this way. “You’ve been acting weird for weeks and I don’t want to continue pretending that I don’t notice how you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Yixing, I—”

“Who’s been sending those envelopes? What do they contain?”

“I don’t know, I—”

“Please, Sehun, just…“ Yixing covered his eyes with his fists, and a shaky breath left his lips.

Sehun wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was alright; that he didn’t have to worry. But that would be a lie, and lying to him wasn’t an option. Not anymore. What he heard next, though, was something he hadn’t expected at all.

“Do you have someone else?” Yixing finally asked, in the lowest, most hurt tone that Sehun had ever heard from him.

_“What?”_

“It’s… It’s okay if you do, Hunnie, but… I need to know.“

Yixing lowered his fists and the image broke Sehun completely. His face was stained with tears that Sehun hadn’t noticed had fallen, and his lips were violently trembling as much as his hands were. Yixing was finally releasing all that pain and suffering he had withheld during the month, and Sehun felt like a monster. He had attempted to keep Yixing away from the mess the envelopes had brought to his life, but he had forgotten that he now shared his life with him. It would inevitably end up affecting him, too.

Sehun stood up and Yixing instinctively stepped back, hugging his arms to his body. That didn’t stop Sehun from pulling the other to himself and holding him tight, with his face buried in his hair. A sob reached his ears and Yixing’s body began to tremble, causing the twinge in Sehun’s chest to increase its intensity, making him feel suffocated.

“I’m so sorry, my love,” Sehun whispered, trying hard to keep himself from crying. “I’m sorry, I… I love you, okay? I do. You have no idea of how much. Please forgive me. I’m not— I don’t have anyone else. I’ll never do something like that to you. I’m sorry, Xing…“

Yixing buried his face in the crook of Sehun’s neck and finally wrapped his arms around him. They stayed in the middle of their living room, listening nothing but Yixing’s wept. After a while, although feeling reluctant about it, Sehun had to break the silence.

“I need to…” he started, hesitating to finish his sentence. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I think I owe you an explanation.”

Yixing pulled apart, looking at him with his red and puffy eyes. Sehun wiped the traces of tears with his thumbs and cupped his face, leaning in to kiss him softly. Sehun didn’t want to break the peaceful moment they were in. It was the best one so far in the month, and he hadn’t realized until now how much he had needed something like this. He knew, however, that there were some things yet to be explained, so he placed a kiss on Yixing’s forehead and asked him to wait for him there.

He went to their bedroom and pulled out the box with the envelopes. Taking a deep breath, he headed out to the living room again and sat on the couch next to Yixing, placing the box between them. He opened it and let the eight envelopes in there see the light again. Yixing stared down at them without reflecting any emotion.

“These envelopes had been arriving for a month, as you already know,” Sehun started. “At first I thought it was a prank, but I’m not so sure anymore. I have no idea who’s sending them, nor what their intentions are, but they send one every three days. Each one contains a somewhat… _special_ message, and so far I have 8— well, 9 envelopes with me.”

Yixing’s eyes were open wide, seemingly to be processing Sehun’s words. After a while he stared down at the box again and asked, “Do you think this person will continue sending more?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Sehun shrugged and took the wrinkled envelope that was abandoned on the coffee table. “After the fifth one I lost hope that this would stop soon.” Sehun was surprised with how calm his voice sounded, as if he were just talking about the weather.

“What do the messages say?”

“They’re just…” A dry chuckle left Sehun’s lips and he shook his head. “You can read them if you want, but they’re not precisely what we call ‘something nice’.”

Yixing frowned a little and hesitantly took one from the box. “Which one should I start with?”

“You can understand them without reading them in order, I guess, but the first one is the one at the bottom of the box.”

Yixing took out all the envelopes and placed them in his lap, according to the order Sehun was giving him. Once he had them from envelope 1 to 8, he took the first one and opened it.

Sehun never took his eyes away from him, not knowing what to expect. He was fidgeting with the envelope in his hands, as he saw how Yixing’s soft frown began to deepen more and more with each envelope that was opened. By the time Yixing had finished with the eighth one, his face was contorted in a scowl.

“Sehun—”

“I know, but before you freak out, please listen to me.” Sehun sighed, running a hand over his hair. “I’m aware that all of this”—he moved his hand between them, signaling the pieces of paper that were on the couch—”is wrong, but I’m sure it won’t last forever. One day they’ll get tired and they’ll stop.”

“And until then, what? Will you receive their shitty mail as if they were holiday cards? Sehun, this is wrong. We need to stop it.”

Sehun softly smiled at him and shook his head. “We don’t even know who the sender is. We don’t have an address nor a name. We can’t do anything.”

“We can go to the police.”

“They won’t care, Xing. They have… more important stuff to deal with,” Sehun said, suddenly feeling nervous. He couldn’t afford going to the police. It was better to keep them away. “Let’s just wait until this person gets tired. I’m sure it won’t take too long.”

Yixing stared to the front, clearly confused at what was the best to do. He stayed in silence and Sehun looked intently at his profile. His jaw was tightened and he was biting his lip. The frown was still there, and Sehun reached a hand to caress his nape, trying to bring him some type of comfort. He knew it was something hard to digest; Sehun himself hadn’t got used to it yet. But there he was, reassuring his boyfriend that it was okay and that it would stop soon—the issue here was that he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Yixing or himself. Probably both.

“What if it doesn’t stop?” Yixing finally spoke. “What are we going to do?”

 _We. Not you, but we…_ Sehun’s lips formed a sincere smile for the first time in the month. Yixing had already made Sehun’s problem his problem when he didn’t have to. That made Sehun remember that they were together in good and bad, and he felt as if he was the luckiest person on earth, no matter the circumstances he was currently in.

“I’m not worried about it. I know you’ll be right here next to me, and that’s the only thing I need.”

"That’s not a solution, you know?” Yixing said, trying not to smile at Sehun’s cheesy comment. “Why do you open them, anyway? Why don’t you throw them away?”

“I feel that… I don’t know, that maybe one day this person won’t be as cautious as they’ve been and they’ll disclose information about themselves.”

Yixing didn’t say anything back and the room went silent after this, both guys lost in their own thoughts. Sehun was unconsciously playing with the envelope that was still on his hands, silently considering his options.

“Are you going to open it?” Yixing asked, signaling the piece of paper with his head. Sehun shrugged and the other moved closer and placed his head on his shoulder.

Sehun turned his head to place a kiss on his temples and after considering it a little bit more, he decided he would open it. By now he wasn’t surprised to find the same white paper sheet with all those different letters pasted messily all over it.

 

_‘I think that you rejected my dick because you’re just a stupid, confused teenage girl who doesn’t know what she wants. You should’ve better consider your options.’_

 

Sehun took a deep breath. He hold it for a few seconds and then he let it go. He sent a glance toward Yixing and saw him scowling at the paper sheet. They connected their eyes and Sehun didn’t know what his boyfriend had seen in him, but Yixing’s look immediately softened. He leaned in and hugged Sehun, and the latter buried his face in the crook of Yixing’s neck.

“I’ll always be here, alright? We’re in this together now,” Yixing mumbled and Sehun felt relieved.

Now he didn’t have to stay away from him and he could rely on him every time he felt the nerves getting to him. And when the tenth envelope arrived, Yixing stayed truth to his words, and they opened it together.

 

_‘An attention whore. That’s my conclusion. You’ve always been faking your asexuality for attention, and you’ve succeeded, haven’t you? Maybe I could grant you to have all the attention you want by having public once I make you mine.’_

 

Then the eleventh one arrived.

 

_‘Maybe you’re not faking your asexuality but you just haven’t met the right person yet. Until me, of course. I’ll prove you I’m that one, Sehunnie. I’m going to cure you.’_

 

Yixing himself even opened the twelfth envelope.

 

_‘For this past three days I’ve been wondering something. Can you have orgasms? Have you ever had one? Maybe you hadn’t and that’s why you think you don’t like sex.’_

 

And the thirteenth one, too.

 

_‘Don’t precipitate your choices, Sehunnie. I’m being serious. You can’t assure you don’t like sex unless you’ve experienced it. Here’s when I appear and make your life easier and happier.’_

 

Sehun opened the fourteenth, and while he couldn’t help but to feel sick after having read it, Yixing spent the whole afternoon in a pretty bad mood.

 

_‘Getting laid will definitely fix your problem. Just give me more time of fun before I come and help you, okay?’_

 

With the fifteenth envelope, both guys were stressed out about it, not knowing what to expect anymore.

 

_‘This is starting to get boring and I still don’t find a solution to your problem. Wait, okay? We’ll solve it soon.’_

 

Two days after that, they were sitting in their bed, with all the paper sheets in front of them. They were trying to decipher who could be the person behind all of this, but none got a hint.

“If we’re to receive another one,” Yixing said, “then it would be arriving tomorrow, right?”

His look was lost and he had a soft frown between his eyebrows when Sehun faced him. He was thinking really hard, the younger noticed, and he smiled softly at him. Yixing was cute when he was deep in thought. It was just horrible that he had to be thinking about this issue and not about something else.

“What do you think about waiting for the postman to deliver the envelope?” Yixing finally asked after a long silence, turning to look at Sehun.

“I don’t think he knows something, Xing.”

“No, I mean… We could ask him if he knows what a person needs to do to know who the sender is when their mail doesn’t include a name.” Yixing pressed his lips in a thin line, thinking. “I don’t know if I make sense…”

“You do, but…” Sehun pondered the idea for a moment. He was still sure that the postman wouldn’t know anything, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask, he guessed. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s wait for him tomorrow.”

And so the next day found them sitting in front of their building on the sidewalk, waiting for the mail truck to arrive. They spent their time talking, and sometimes one of them would go to the apartment to bring them water or snacks. They received weird stares every time a neighbor got out the building, but the couple would politely greet them, causing them to return the greet and continue with their activities.

It was when the clock struck 3:17 p.m. that the mail truck finally parked in front of the building. A short man got out of it and entered. The couple quickly got up and followed him inside. There the postman was placing the mail inside the respective mailboxes and they approached slowly, so as not to disturb him.

“Good afternoon, sir,” Sehun said with a slight bow of his of head.

The postman stopped amid putting an envelope in the mailbox that had a ‘108’ on it and turned to look at them. “Good afternoon, young men. Can I help you?”

“Yeah, we…” Sehun started, but doubted how to continue. He look at Yixing asking for help.

“My name’s Yixing, and he’s Sehun,” Yixing started. “We leave in the apartment 116, and in recent weeks we’ve been receiving several letters.”

“Oh, yeah! I’ve been delivering those. I leave one each three days.” The postman continued putting the rest of the mail in its respective mailbox. “I actually have another one here. Wait a minute and I’ll give it to you.”

The couple looked at each other and Yixing continued, “Well, we don’t know if you have access to this type of information, and we wouldn’t want to be impertinent, but the letters don’t include a name or address of the person who’s sending them. We were wondering if there’s any way to know who the sender is.”

The postman grimaced and shook his head. “If the letters are sent without the sender’s data, there’s no way for the postal service to find out who this person is.” He sent them an apologetic smile and then handed them the envelope. Sehun took it, placing it in his back pocket.

“I don’t want to be indiscreet,” the man suddenly said, closing the little bag that was hanging from one of his shoulders, “but maybe those letters come from a secret admirer. Just wait for the girl to have the courage to confess to you.”

He smiled at them again and Sehun looked away from him. Yixing smiled back, hoping it wouldn’t look so fake.

“We’ll think about it. Thanks,” Yixing simply replied.

“Have a nice day, gentlemen,” the postman said before leaving the building.

“Let’s go home, Hun.”

Yixing took Sehun’s hand and walked them to the elevator. Once they were back in their apartment, he threw himself in the couch, opening his arms and leaving them like that until Sehun sat next to him, hugging him by the waist. They sat there in silence, both upset and somehow uncomfortable with what had happened in the lobby.

After a while, Sehun dared to ask, “Are we going to open it?”

Yixing considered his answer, caressing Sehun’s hair. “Do you want to open it?” he asked, instead.

“I think I’ll do it.” Sehun detached from Yixing, taking out the envelope from his pocket.

They were expecting another ‘reason’ as to why Sehun was asexual, and when they read it, it was definitely that. The problem was that this message was the weirdest one so far, and they honestly didn’t know how to react anymore.

 

_‘Maybe you don’t like sex because your penis is broken. We should definitely get you a new one… But don’t worry! I’ve got your back.’_

 

“What does that even mean?” Yixing asked, not intending to get an answer. “Sehun, we need to do something. This can’t—”

He abruptly stopped his rant when he saw how pale Sehun had turned. He quickly pulled his boyfriend toward him and wrapped him in a tight hug, caressing his hair and whispering that everything would be fine. It was at that moment that Yixing decided that no matter what Sehun wanted. They would go to the police if a new envelope appeared in their mailbox again.

 

 

One week.

It had been one week since the last envelope—the sixteenth one—had arrived and Sehun didn’t know how to feel. Yixing had admitted to feel somehow relieved by it, and of course a part of him shared that feeling, as well. They hadn’t had to deal with the envelopes for seven consecutive days, and even the twinge in his chest had disappeared. But another part of him, the one that was constantly messing with his mind, knew that this couldn’t really mean that it was over and this person had miraculously decided to leave him alone.

He was sitting on the couch with his laptop in his lap, doing his homework as he waited for Yixing to get out of the shower. He tried really hard to concentrate but every time he continued writing the essay he was working in, his mind began to wander back to the envelopes. He sighed and rubbed his neck. There was no point in trying to continue writing if he wasn’t able to focus. He was about to turn the laptop off when a knock on the door interrupted him. Sehun put the laptop aside and walked to the door. Looking through the peephole, he saw a man with the uniform of a delivery-services company holding a box in his hands.

“Good afternoon. I’m looking for Mr. Oh Sehun,” the man said once Sehun opened the door.

“That’s me. What can I do for you?”

“I have a package for you.” The man handed Sehun the box he was carrying. “Would you be so kind to provide me with your signature, please?” he asked, giving him a tablet and an electronic pen.

Sehun nodded and put the box under his arm, taking the tablet. He signed and returned the device to the man, who thanked him and left. Once being in the living room again, Sehun inspected the box on the outside. At first glance, it was an ordinary cardboard box. It had no particular decoration that indicated what it contained or where it came from. All it had was a note stuck on top of it with Sehun’s data, but there was no information about the sender. He frowned, feeling the so familiar twinge in his chest slowly coming back. He shook the box, wanting to hear something that could tell him what was on the inside, but he didn’t hear anything. He did feel, however, that something rolled gently in there, changing the almost nonexistent weight of the box from one side to another.

He fidgeted with it for a while, considering his options. He wasn’t really sure if he should open it. His insides were telling him not to do it, but in the end he gave in, wanting to know whether he was just being paranoid or there was really something to worry about. With a pair of scissors he cut the adhesive tape that ensured that the package remained closed. He took his time doing it, feeling nervous of whatever the content was. Once the box was tape free, he slowly opened it; however, he didn’t get to completely lift the lid of the box. A cold shiver ran down his spine and he immediately let go of the package, letting it drop to the floor. At that moment Sehun knew the reason why the envelopes had stopped arriving, and the meaning of the last message finally clicked in his head.

_‘Maybe you don’t like sex because your penis is broken. We should definitely get you a new one… But don’t worry! I’ve got your back.’_

Covered in blood, with the upper part cut in a completely irregular way, as if the work had been done in the most primitive way possible, a penis was lying in the middle of his living room, next to the box that had just arrived, which was just as bloodied as the penis was.

His chest was burning. The air wasn’t properly reaching to his lungs, and his eyes were filled with tears that surely would fall soon. Sehun slowly brought his trembling hands to his lips and a muffled sound came from the back of his throat, making him sound like a wounded animal. He looked at the objects lying on the floor and he couldn’t help feeling completely sick. The twinge in his chest intensified in such a way that he could almost hear it; as hard as if a hammer were hitting a wall. His body crashed with the door and he dropped to the ground, trying to get as far as he could from the box. He heard his name being called once from afar, but he didn’t look away from the box. Not so long after, he could see from the corner of his eye that someone was coming out the corridor. He instinctively snapped his head to whoever it was and when he identified the person as Yixing, a loud sob left his lips.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! What’s wrong?!”

Yixing ran the distance he needed to get close to Sehun and threw himself to the floor next to him, pulling him toward his body. One of his arms tightened around Sehun’s shoulders, while his other hand held him from the back of his head.

Sehun’s face was buried in Yixing’s neck, but his eyes never left the box that was on the floor. He took Yixing’s shirt in his hands and began to pull it. His sobs intensified and he felt how Yixing’s grip grew even stronger.

“What’s wrong, my love? Please tell me what’s going on,” Yixing desperately said, not knowing what to do.

Faced with Sehun’s lack of response, Yixing tried to pull apart so he could see his face, but the younger pulled him close again, not allowing him to move. Yixing could, however, notice how Sehun’s terrified gaze was fixed somewhere behind them. It was until then that he took the chance to look around and when his eyes found what, undoubtedly, was a bloody penis, Yixing felt the air come out completely from his lungs.

He stared at it with his eyes widened in sheer terror. His heart was beating so hard in his ears that any other sound around him was completely off. He tried to open his mouth to say something, anything, but his voice never came out. He didn’t find the words to form a proper sentence. His brain was stuck between trying to understand what was going on and how to stop Sehun’s panic attack. He tried to breathe as much air as he could and kept it in for a few seconds. When he let it go, he forced himself to calm down—Sehun needed him. It wasn’t the moment to lose his cool. Yixing then changed the position he was holding Sehun in, covering the latter with his body; working as a shield between Sehun and the bloody thing on the floor. He began to rock themselves back and forth, kissing Sehun’s head one, twice, thrice, and tracing soothing circles on his back.

“I’m here, okay? I’m here. I won’t go anywhere.”

Sehun buried his face in Yixing’s chest; his shaky hands never letting go of his shirt. Yixing smelled like coconut body wash and his shirt had that familiar smell of floral detergent. Listening to his voice had always had a positive effect on him. And when he said the magic words, the ones that assured him that he was there; that he wouldn’t go anywhere; Sehun’s despair and fear slowly faded away.

He didn’t know for how long they had been in that position. He didn’t feel his legs anymore and his back hurt due to the uncomfortable way they were sitting in. But still, he didn’t move. After a while his face was already dry, with only traces of tears tainting his cheeks. He slowly let go of Yixing’s shirt and his hands lay softly in Yixing’s lap. Suddenly he felt completely tired, as if he had ran with all his might 10 kilometers non-stop.

“Are you calmer now?” Yixing mumbled, delicately removing Sehun’s fringe from his forehead.

Sehun didn’t feel like speaking. His throat still felt like it had a fist stuck there. He managed to nod, instead, and Yixing placed a kiss on his temples.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Sehun took a while to respond. He was calm now, but it didn’t mean the shock had already passed. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he explained everything to Yixing. His voice was a little hoarse and he felt how his hands began to tremble again. Yixing squeezed him and began to slowly rock their bodies once more.

Sehun felt like a baby. At the age of 21, he was in the floor of his apartment, being embraced and comforted by his boyfriend, just as if he were a baby who had fallen and was now in his mother’s arms, listening to her telling him that everything was fine. It was embarrassing, but he needed this. He needed it so much that he didn’t care about how pathetic he was.

“You realize that we have to do something about this, right?” Yixing asked after a while. “This is harassment, Sehun. I don’t want to sit here and pretend this isn’t wrong and you’re not suffering.”

Sehun immediately tensed and the panic returned to him, hitting him like a rock— _Yixing wasn’t being serious, was he?_

“This… This wasn’t that bad,” Sehun said, detaching himself from the other so he could look him in the eyes. Yixing was frowning; Sehun didn’t care. “I can handle this. I overreacted. I—“

 _“Overreacted?”_ Yixing interrupted him. “Sehun, what are you talking about?! You can’t be serious!”

“It was nothing. Really! I’m fine!” Sehun took Yixing’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. “You don’t have to worry! This will stop one day.”

“No, Sehun. This must stop _now_. We’ll go to the polic—”

“No! No! Please don’t!” Sehun’s grip on Yixing’s hand tightened and his face could only reflect the dread he felt at such idea.

“Why not? Sehun, this is ridiculous. We must do—“

“Please, Xing! I… They…” Sehun’s vision began to blur. His tears slowly accumulated again in his eyes and his breathing accelerated. “They won’t do anything. They haven’t done something about the burglary. They won’t help at all!” A sob left his lips and he quickly brought his hands to his face, covering his mouth in a futile attempt to contain his crying. He needed to convince Yixing and he wouldn’t succeed if he let himself cry again. “Please, I don’t want to go to the police!”

“Sehu—”

“Please don’t!” And his tears fell. “People already treat me like a monster! They always make fun of me because I’m weird. I don’t want to give them more reasons to continue looking at me as if I were a monkey in a zoo!”

Sehun was horribly sobbing and he hated how he sounded, but he couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard he tried to keep his lips sealed. His body was a trembling mess. He had his hands clenched in fists, and it hurt. Somehow he managed to see through his tears and he noticed that Yixing’s face only reflected despair. Sehun hated himself for causing him to suffer as well, but he wasn’t ready to deal with people’s lack of tolerance and empathy. If they were to go to the police, everyone would find out and have no mercy on him. He wasn’t ready for that. He was sure that he would never be.

“Please, I beg you!” He bent down and taking Yixing’s shirt in his hands, he placed his head on Yixing’s lap. “Please, Yixing! Please! Please!”

He kept on begging over and over again. Yixing straightened him and embraced him, holding him tight. Sehun heard a low whimper next to his ear and he felt a pang in his chest—Yixing was crying as well. Sehun squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in Yixing’s neck, with his fists still clenching his shirt. He surely looked pathetic and Yixing would probably feel ashamed of him. At that moment a déjà vu hit him. He remembered being in the same position with Yixing, probably one year and a half ago, and that made him cry harder.

“Please…” Sehun repeated, his voice cracking at each syllable. “Please…”

“Okay… Yes. It’s— We won’t go to the police, okay?” Yixing said, his voice noticeably quivering. “We won’t.”

Sehun straightened up to look at him. Yixing had his eyes red, and so was his nose. His tears were still falling but he brought his trembling hands up to cup Sehun’s cheeks.

“Don’t cry, Hun…” Yixing said. “Don’t cry, okay? We’re fine. We just— I… I’m sorry.”

He cleaned Sehun’s tears and leaned in, placing some pecks on his lips. He embraced him again and remained in that position until their crying stopped.

“Do you think it’s real?” Sehun eventually asked, pointing toward the penis with one finger, but his eyes still away from it.

Yixing made a face of disgust and thought about the question. The penis seemed to be real, but he wasn’t sure. It didn’t mattered anyway. They wouldn’t keep it. They had to get rid of it, but they couldn’t simply throw it to the garbage can, whether it was real or not.

“I don’t know…” he finally said. “But I think we should burn it.”

Sehun stared at him with his eyes widened. “Why?”

It was simple. If the penis happened to be real, then it meant it had to come from someone, and one didn’t have to be smart to know that it, therefore, meant that this someone was most likely already dead. Whoever was harassing Sehun had gone too far with his ‘prank’, and if his theories were correct, this now involved a murder, as well. Yixing’s insides churned at the thought, suddenly feeling sick again. He couldn’t understand how far people’s madness could reach.

They ended up agreeing to Yixing’s idea, and so Yixing ripped off the lid of the box to push the penis back inside of it. Sehun looked from afar, with his hands trembling again; feeling the anxiety coming back to him. Yixing carefully kicked the box out of the living room to the balcony, and spread alcohol on it. He lighted on a match and threw it inside before putting back the lid. He then closed the glass door and joined Sehun on the living room, watching the box set on fire.

“Do you know who Kim Jongin is?” Yixing asked after a while. He felt Sehun tensing next to him and so he faced him, sending him a curious look.

“Why do you ask?”

Yixing slightly shrugged and turned to look at the box again. “There was written ‘Kim Jongin’ inside the lid of the box.”

 _Was it?_ Sehun hadn’t opened it completely, so he didn’t notice there was something written on the lid. The question here was, why was Jongin’s name there?

“I used to…” he eventually said, absentmindedly fidgeting with his fingers. “I think I used to date him. Kinda… I mean, not really. I liked him when I was in high school, but that was it.”

Yixing only hummed in response, but he was frowning as well, Sehun noticed.

“What is it?” Sehun narrowed his eyes when he saw Yixing biting his lip, as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t dare to blurt it out. “You’re thinking he has something to do with this, aren’t you?” Sehun finally hinted.

“No, it’s just… I find it weird that after so much time without having a name, suddenly this Jongin guy’s name appeared in our equation.”

Sehun didn’t say anything back, thinking about the possibility. That was true in some way, but it couldn’t possibly be. It had been like 5 years since whatever he had had with Jongin had happened, so there was no way for him to come and take revenge after all this time. It was simply illogical.

In the end Yixing said, “Don’t take me seriously. Maybe I’m just reaching too far.” And with that he dropped the topic.

That night Sehun couldn’t conceal his sleep. He rolled over and over again in the bed, trying hard not to wake Yixing up. He was still somehow anxious regarding the afternoon’s events. Now that his head was a little bit calmer, he just couldn’t stop thinking about where that penis had come from and whether Kim Jongin was involved in some way—there was no other explanation for him as to why Jongin's name was in the box.

Sehun had a bad feeling about this, but he couldn’t grasp what it was. He sighed and turned on his side to look at Yixing. He was quietly sleeping and Sehun gently buried his hand in his hair, caressing it. Finally he sighed and snuggled close to him, looking for a bit of sleep.

The last thought that crossed his mind before drifting to dreamland was his hope of not receiving another bloody and disgusting package. He wasn’t ready to lose his sanity and, as collateral damage, take Yixing with him.

 

 

Sehun had always considered himself someone who knew how to cope up with his fears. Surely it had never been easy, but he had always found a solution for them. However, now that he was trying to get out of the hole he was in, he simply couldn’t let go of the fear and anxiousness. He was stuck with them.

He was living with a constant uncertainty running through his veins. The envelopes had taken a huge toll on him, and the box had worsen it all. He had tried to act as if it was nothing; as if he was okay. But he knew that he wasn’t good at hiding his emotions; at least not at this point. Yixing hadn’t said anything about it, though, and Sehun wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to distress him even more or he just simply didn’t know how to talk about it.

He had hoped for the bloody box that had arrived the previous week to be the only one he would receive. That the prank had finally come to an end and whoever was doing it would simply stop. He had hoped for it, and when three days later he got nothing, he began to believe that it was over. But he had been wrong, because now he was facing an employee of the same delivery-services company, asking for his signature.

Staying frozen next to the door, Sehun stared at the box in the man’s hands. He heard him speak, but he couldn’t decipher his words. Suddenly, Yixing appeared next to him and signed the man’s tablet. He received the package and pushed Sehun inside the apartment again, trying to stop the weird glances the delivery man was sending toward him.

It was then when the younger got out of his stupor and turned to look at Yixing. He was standing on the balcony, staring down at the box in his hands with a mixture of disgust, fear and annoyance.

“Please take that thing away,” Sehun said. He felt the twinge again, and his arms automatically moved to embrace himself.

Yixing asked him to bring the little matchbox and the bottle of alcohol. When he returned, the box no longer had the tape. He slowly approached and Yixing reluctantly lifted the lid.

When his eyes landed on the content, Sehun immediately closed them, but it had been too late. He had already seen the penis and the image was tattooed on the back of his eyelids, no matter how hard he squeezed his eyes. Just as the first time, the penis was horribly cut off, completely dirtied with blood. The box didn’t look any better, with red, shiny stains everywhere on the inside. The lid had something written on it, but his brain didn’t work fast enough and he couldn’t understand what the letters formed.

Sehun’s chest heaved in a fast speed and he bit his lip in an attempt to calm down. Yixing asked for the bottle of alcohol, his voice quivering, and Sehun then slowly opened his eyes. The first thing that he encountered was Yixing’s face reflecting repulsion, though his eyes were only transmitting worry.

“I’m fine,” Sehun managed to say.

Yixing obviously didn’t believe him, but he still took the bottle from his hands and poured the content in the box.

Sehun tried to look. He really did. But just a few seconds were enough for him to feel a lump in the pit of his stomach. He closed his eyes again, trying to think about anything else until Yixing was done. He wasn’t sure of how much time it had passed but when the smell of _burnt meat_ reached his nostrils, a sob escaped from his lips and he couldn’t hold himself from crying anymore. He stood there, with his arms around his waist, holding tight the sides of his shirt. A few moments later, he felt Yixing’s arms surrounding him, and his ears could only register his voice, trying to reassure him with low whispers that everything was fine.

When there was nothing else than ashes on the balcony floor; ashes that had started to spread because of the soft wind; Yixing pulled Sehun inside the apartment and made him sit on the couch. He swept what was left of the box and took it away. He sat next to Sehun, and the latter curled up next to him.

Feeling tired, Sehun closed his eyes, losing himself in Yixing’s embrace. He tried to forget what had happened, but there was still something budging his mind, and he needed to clear it out.

“Xing, did you…” he mumbled. “Did you see what the lid said?”

“I...” The hesitance in Yixing’s tone was clear. “It said Do Kyungsoo.”

An inaudible gasp left Sehun’s lips and a shiver ran throughout his body. First Jongin, now Kyungsoo… _What did that mean?_

“Do you know him?”

Sehun only nodded, not finding it necessary to speak.

They stayed there until night came, and once being tucked under the blankets, Sehun wished again for everything to stop. However, it didn’t matter how constantly and fervently he hoped, wished, and prayed—it didn’t stop. Thus a week later they found themselves facing the same situation. And the next week, too. And the week after that. And the one that came after that.

In the course of those weeks, all the changes their lives now had, become more than evident. Sehun wasn’t sleeping nor eating properly. He had lost weight, and the dark circles under his eyes were no joke. He could barely pay attention in class and his performance at work was quite deficient—he was surprised that he hadn’t been fired yet. And not to mention his mood… It suffered constant swings throughout the day, and he knew he was starting to annoy everyone around him. To top that, he was worried about that not only was he getting deeper into the hole, but he was pulling Yixing inside it with him, as he had predicted.

Yixing also had horrible eye bags and his eyes had lost the natural sparkle they had. He seemed as lost as Sehun himself, but he was better at controlling his emotions whenever Sehun was around, or so Sehun thought, at least. If Yixing was struggling at school or work, he was doing a great job in making it look as if that wasn’t the case—Sehun really wanted to believe that Yixing was dealing with all this mess better than him.

With each new box, a new name appeared, and so they had a list of 8 people, including Jongin and Kyungsoo. The third box had said ‘Kim Junmyeon’. Then came ‘Lee Donghae’; ‘Wu Yifan’; ‘Choi Minho’; ‘Lee Taemin’; ‘Shim Changmin’.

Yixing had asked many times who those guys were. Yet the only thing Sehun had told him was that he had used to know them, but he never went deeper into it. He didn’t find it important to let him know anything else. They had actually never been special people in his life. They hadn’t even been their friends—without counting Jongin, of course, but even so, they were all irrelevant now.

Sehun was currently waiting for Yixing to come back from the laundry room. He had just arrived from the university and was sitting at their table, absentmindedly staring at the floor. His fingers where tapping the surface of the table with the same pace the so familiar twinge was pounding in his chest.

There were still four days before the next box arrived—if it ever arrived, that is. Would he be lucky enough not to receive anything? He almost laughed at such thought. He knew it was just a matter of time before someone came knocking on his door, unaware that they were about to deliver a box with a bloody penis on the inside and a written name that didn’t make sense at all.

Who would it be this time? Call him a weirdo, but he was eager to know who the owner of the next name was. He still couldn’t get a hint of the reason why their names were written there, so adding more elements to the list would probably sort things out. There was something oddly familiar with them, though. Not because of the names themselves, but because of something else; something he still couldn’t get a grasp of. He felt that deep inside he knew the answer; that it had never been that hard to guess; but it was as if his mind was preventing him from analyzing the situation from a different perspective.

 _Maybe I should tell Yixing everything about them_ , Sehun thought.

Yixing was smart. He would see clues where Sehun had only found blank spaces. He would be able to connect the dots and decipher everything. Perhaps they would’ve even managed to get the meaning behind it all a long time ago if he had let him help. But then again, he didn’t consider it important for Yixing to know. It didn’t make sense, anyway! All those guys weren’t even related to each other. As far as Sehun knew, of course. The only thing all of them had in common, from his point of view, was that they had wanted to—

His fingers abruptly stopped tapping on the table.

At the same time, Yixing entered the apartment, holding a basket with clean clothes.

“I’m back!”

Yixing put down the basket and walked in, just to find Sehun frowning, with his eyes completely unfocused somewhere on the floor.

“Sehun?”

He didn’t receive an answer.

Sehun’s mind was working a mile per hour, trying to order his ideas. It was as if he had spent weeks trying to put together a puzzle of hundreds of pieces, without succeeding. And then, out of the blue, he found the place of a piece he hadn’t seen, but had always been there, and little by little the other pieces began to make sense in the puzzle—now it no longer seemed so complicated to solve.

All those guys were like pawns of a game Sehun owned and was called ‘The Rejected Men’. Some of them have been subtle, some others had been blatantly direct, but they all had let Sehun know that they wanted to have sex with him—that wasn’t a new discovery for him, of course. The issue lay on the fact that he wasn’t lying when he had told Yixing he knew them, because really, he _had_ known them.

Kim Jongin had been his classmate at his chemistry class.

Do Kyungsoo—his classmate at his literature class.

Kim Junmyeon—the student council president at high school.

Lee Donghae—his pervert English teacher.

Wu Yifan—the captain of the high school basketball team.

Choi Minho—the captain of the high school swimming team.

Lee Taemin—his classmate at his physics class.

Shim Changmin—his boss at his first job.

They hadn’t been some horny stranger in a club. He had interacted with them. So after having dealt with their sexual insinuations, he had run home and written everything about it on his notebook. After Yixing he never wrote again on it, thus the little notebook had been forgotten somewhere inside a box in his closet. Then when they moved together, all his belongings, including that box, were put inside their new closet.

Although the notebook had always been there, Sehun never took it out from where it was. He hadn’t seen it for over a year and a half, but that stopped some weeks ago when…

_When the burglary happened._

Now that he came to think about it, he had always found the incident completely strange. They hadn’t been really robbed; nothing had been taken out from the apartment.

Could the envelopes and boxes be related to the burglary?

Had they been committed by the same person?

Sehun had hurt their pride by saying ‘no’, so _maybe_ they had entered the apartment and made a mess to scare him. Then, maybe, they found inside his closet a funnier way to play with him without even intending to.

“No way…” Sehun mumbled, his gaze still fixed on the ground. “I’m so stupid!” He immediately jumped out of his seat and ran to their room, with Yixing following on his tracks.

“Where did I put it?” he said to himself, as he walked all over the room, opening drawers.

“What are you looking for?” Yixing asked, following Sehun’s frantic moves.

Sehun didn’t reply. His shaky pair of hands kept removing things from everywhere.

_Where was it?_

And then his memory finally worked.

Sitting on his side of the bed, Sehun opened the lowest drawer in the nightstand and there he found the notebook, just as he had left it. He leafed through the pages and he shuddered when everything clicked inside his head—the names had the same order as the entries in the notebook.

Sehun heard Yixing saying something in the distance, but his ears could only register the pulse of his heartbeat growing louder. His eyes scanned the first pages, without really reading; only understanding half sentences. It suddenly was hard to breathe.

_Today in Jongin’s house…_

“Sehun.”

_Kyungsoo caressed my leg all the way up to…_

“Sehun.”

_…but Junmyeon-hyung closed the door and…_

_Mr. Lee asked me to call him Donghae, instead, and he moved closer…_

“Sehun, look at me.”

_Yifan-hyung put his hand in my…_

_…in the pool, but Minho-hyung tried to…_

_…we had never interacted, so having Taemin saying that he…_

“You’re scaring me, Sehun. Please look at me!”

_I was alone with Changmin-hyung…_

Sehun changed the page. His eyes landed in a particular sentence… and his mouth went dry.

“Oh, my God…”

“Sehun!” Yixing was cupping his face, trying to make him focus on him.

“Oh, my God… Oh, my God…” Sehun began to hyperventilate, and his vision blurred.

“Seh—”

“Where’s Chanyeol?” the younger asked, his eyes finally landing on Yixing.

“Chanyeol?” Yixing frowned. “Sehun, what’s happening?”

“Let’s call Chanyeol.” Sehun mumbled, drifting again his eyes away from Yixing. “I need to— He can’t— Yixing, please call Chanyeol! We need to talk to him!”

“Why? What’s—”

“We have to call him! Please!”

“Okay. Okay. I… I will. I’ll call him, but…” Yixing was breathing heavily, a lump in his chest making him feel suffocated. “You need to calm down first.”

“No! Now. Let’s call him now. We have to call hi—”

“Sehun, look at me,” Yixing firmly said. “Look at me.” Sehun’s disoriented orbs landed on him again. “Breathe.” He gently caressed Sehun’s cheeks with his thumbs, at the same time that Sehun tried to fill his lungs with enough air. A few breaths more and Yixing slowly sat on the bed, next to him.

“Are we going to call Chanyeol?” Sehun quietly asked.

Yixing nodded, tracing slow circles on Sehun’s cheeks. “We will, but could you please first explain me what’s going on?”

Sehun stared at him, fidgeting with the edge of the notebook’s pages. “I…” he mumbled, diverting his eyes from him.

How was he supposed to start? He would have to explain him everything about it, and he was scared. What if Yixing found him weird? Would he be ashamed of being Sehun’s boyfriend?

“What’s wrong?” Yixing put his hands down. “Why are you so… distressed about… this?” he asked, glancing at the notebook in Sehun’s lap.

“I think that... this is the reason why each box has a name.”

Yixing frowned again, but he didn’t say anything. It was just as if he was silently telling him he could proceed with his explanation—and that’s what Sehun did.

He told him what the notebook was; when he had begun to write on it; how those names had ended up being there. He thought the day he would have to talk about it with someone would never arrive. That he would die keeping it a secret. Yet there he was, revealing all of it to Yixing, feeling completely exposed.

Yixing didn’t interrupt him. He listened intently to every word that was said. In the middle of Sehun’s ramble, he took his hand and traced circles on the back of it.

Sehun eventually didn’t know how to continue. His thoughts were wandering all over his mind, and it was difficult to be coherent about what he was saying. He felt grateful when Yixing decided it was okay to speak.

“Why did you write down those things?”

_That one was easy..._

“Because I didn’t know who to talk to.” Sehun shrugged. “How are you supposed to explain that you find disgusting something that everyone finds pleasing? I didn’t feel confident enough to say it out loud. Not when I didn’t know that it wasn’t wrong.”

He continued with his theory about the burglary, envelopes, and boxes. He showed him how the order of the names was the same, from Jongin to Changmin. Sehun was surprised to hear that Yixing found it possible for that to be the way things had happened. In his eyes it now all made sense if he followed Sehun’s reasoning.

Yixing of course commented that they couldn’t assure anything yet, but even if the theory turned out to be wrong, at least they were moving forward. They still had to find a way to stop it, but they were slowly on their way to understand this person’s train of thoughts. However, there was something that was still unclear— _what about the penises?_ It was a question that had been on their minds ever since the first box was delivered.

Sure, each box had a name, and there was no doubt about that the penises had been real. A fake, burnt penis would smell like burnt plastic; definitely not like the bacon Sehun had burnt some weeks ago. _But..._

“It has to be like a representation of what I didn’t do with them, right? I don’t...” Sehun carefully mumbled, almost whispered, as if afraid that someone else could hear them. “I don’t think… that… those were _their_ penises.”

Nibbling his lip, Yixing took a deep breath and shook his head. “At this point I wouldn’t doubt that this person has the audacity to commit a crime of that level.”

“But it means that… that… they…” Sehun widened his eyes and let out a shaky breath. “They… they can’t be dead… They can’t. They—”

"Hey! Hey!” Yixing cupped Sehun’s face again, obliging him to face him. “Sehun. Look at me.”

Sehun’s jaw was trembling and his widened eyes were glancing all over Yixing’s face, as if looking for a solution in one of his pores.

“We have to call Chanyeol,” Sehun whispered, taking one of Yixing’s hands. “Please…”

“Why do you want to call him? I don’t get it, Hun. Why is it so important?”

“Just call him, please...”

With a sigh Yixing took his phone out from his pocket and dialed Chanyeol’s number.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Sehun was holding Yixing’s hand with so much strength that it probably hurt.

_Beep._

_Beep._

But Yixing never complained.

_‘The number you have dialed cannot be reached at the moment. Please try again later.’_

“He’s… He didn’t answer.” Yixing said.

“Could… Could you try again? Maybe he’s— I don’t know. Please.“

_‘The number you have dialed cannot be reached at the moment. Please try again later.’_

“Maybe he’s sleeping,” Yixing suggested. “It’s late, Sehun. He wakes up early. We can call him tomorrow.”

“No, no!” Sehun shook his head repeatedly, and squeezed Yixing’s hand even harder. “You don’t get it!”

“Then explain me!” Yixing tossed the notebook away on the bed and held Sehun’s free hand. “If you don’t tell me anything, I can’t help!”

Sehun didn’t say anything. He was busier biting his lower lip as fast as the twinge.

“Sehun…”

“Chanyeol is…” he mumbled, with his eyes glued to Yixing’s chest. “He’s the next entry.”

Sehun didn’t dare to look him in the eye. He had never told him, and he was sure Chanyeol hadn’t either. And although it wasn’t a secret, there was an implicit agreement between them that they would never talk about it.

“Were you…” Yixing said after a long silence that seemed like an eternity. “You were… together, and you never told me?”

Was that disappointment? Betrayal? Jealousy, maybe? Sehun couldn’t decipher the exact emotion behind Yixing’s words, but it was obvious that he wasn’t pleased with the news. Sehun had never considered to tell him about it, and even less had he stopped to think how Yixing would feel if he ever knew. He had chosen the worst moment to let it out.

He slowly trailed his eyes all the way up to Yixing’s. He found a frown and a pair of lips parted; disbelief completely reflected in his face. He suddenly felt the urge to explain himself— _excuse himself_ , his inner voice corrected.

“He just— he asked me to have... you know, sex, and I… I already knew I was asexual, but we were really drunk and I wanted to… confirm it? It wasn’t— we just kissed. It was...”

Yixing slightly narrowed his eyes. It was almost imperceptible, but the change had been there. He remained in silence, and Sehun gulped, not being used to this lack of reaction from him.

“It only happened once,” Sehun assured him. “I never told you because I didn’t consider it important, but we never… We weren’t a thing, Xing.”

Yixing stared at him and a moment later, he nodded and stood up. “Thanks for letting me know, I guess.”

“Are you…” Sehun said. “Don’t be mad… please.”

“I’m not.” Yixing sent him a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He walked toward the door, putting his phone in his sweat’s pocket again.

Sehun’s lower lip trembled, and his eyes itched, but he wouldn’t cry. It was enough for the night. “Are we going to call Chanyeol again?”

Yixing stopped and turned to look at him. “It’s late; we should try tomorrow. But don’t worry… I’m sure he’s fine.”

And with that he was out of the room, leaving Sehun with a bunch of thoughts that would surely not let him sleep again.

 

 

_‘The number you have dialed cannot be—’_

Sehun threw his phone on the table, exasperated.

His day had been horrible. He had been so distracted that everything had gone wrong.

Just as he had predicted, he had barely slept. His mind remained fully awake, constantly telling him that something bad was going to happen. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his brain when Yixing woke up. They ate breakfast together, just like always, but they barely spoke. Apparently Yixing was mad, even though he had said he wasn’t.

At work he had messed up several orders, delivering incorrect meals to the customers. His boss scolded him and discounted today’s payment from his weekly wage. Then at the university, he was so immersed in his thoughts that he hadn’t paid attention to any of his classes. Now he didn’t understand anything and he would have to study by himself at home—which would probably leave him with even more doubts.  To top that, he tried to contact Chanyeol the whole day, but he didn’t succeed. Not even once. The guy never answered the calls, nor replied to his texts.

When he had got home, he found Yixing sitting at the table with his phone on his ear. Sehun joined him and after an hour of failed attempts, he was sure that they had dialed the number at least 50 times each, if not more.

“Why haven’t we asked the others yet?” Yixing questioned, putting his phone next to Sehun’s. “Maybe they know something and we’re worrying about nothing.”

Although Yixing sounded calm, and his words tried to come out as unpreoccupied, the subtle bounce of his leg that Sehun could feel under the table was saying otherwise.

There was nothing else they could do, so maybe asking Baekhyun, Luhan and Jongdae would be helpful.

Today was Wednesday and their group chat had been inactive since last Sunday, due to everyone’s busy work and school lives. That didn’t mean, however, that they didn’t send each other texts, or memes, or whatever, directly in their individual chats. Sehun and Yixing might not have talked to Chanyeol, but maybe at least one of the others had. Unfortunately, they received three negative responses. None of them had talked to him, but no one found it weird. There were times in which they disappeared when they were loaded with tons of homework. It was more than common for all of them, but not even once had they been unreachable. That’s why Yixing ended up explaining to the others what was happening—omitting the reason behind their insistence.

 _Maybe he forgot his phone at home,_ Jongdae offered.

 _Or maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you, guys_ , Luhan joked.

 _Or maybe something’s wrong with him and we don’t even know_ , Baekhyun reasoned.

After that, the group chat went crazy. The five of them tried to call him, but nothing different happened. It was as if Chanyeol had been swallowed by the ground, leaving no trace behind. Baekhyun even said that they should call Chanyeol’s mom, just to make sure he wasn’t with her. Sehun didn’t like the idea. They would only worry her, not really being able to give her an adequate explanation.  In the end, though, he didn’t say no. A little part of him wanted his friend to be with his parents.

Baekhyun sent a message 10 minutes later—Chanyeol wasn’t with them. According to Baekhyun, Mrs. Park had tried to call her son a few times throughout the day to remind him about their weekly reunion or something like that, but not even once had he answered. Of course as a worried mother, she had wanted to make sure he was alright, no matter the hour. So that’s why Baekhyun was now heading to find Mr. and Mrs. Park in Chanyeol’s apartment, at way past midnight.

It would’ve been reasonable that Sehun and Yixing were the ones to go there since they lived the nearest to Chanyeol, but Baekhyun had been the one to talk to Mrs. Park. There was no other option for the couple but to wait.

Sehun moved to the couch to wait in a more comfortable seat. Some minutes later Yixing sat next to him. Sehun warily hugged him, not knowing if he was allowed to do so, for they still had things to clear and talk about. Yixing stiffened when the younger’s arm landed on his shoulders, but he didn’t move him away.

He should’ve seen it coming. He knew Yixing more than he had ever known anyone. Of course he wouldn’t be jumping and celebrating that he finally got to know, after two years of relationship, that his boyfriend had been almost sexually involved with one of his closest friends.

Anyone would say that Yixing was overreacting; that he didn’t have the right to feel offended about it. Sehun and Chanyeol had kissed when Yixing wasn’t even part of Sehun’s life, and if someone were to judge from order of appearance, then Yixing had no right to complain—Chanyeol had arrived first. The thing was that Sehun had certainly known Chanyeol before he met Yixing, but so had been Yixing’s case. When Chanyeol had introduced them, Yixing and he had been friends for almost two years—time that Chanyeol had been going to that music class, back then.

Sehun was sure that Yixing was offended not because of him having had something with Chanyeol, but because none of them had trusted him enough to tell him. In some way he understood him. He was sure that he would’ve felt lied to if the papers were reversed.

He was brought back to reality when Yixing wrapped his arms around his waist, snuggling closer.

“I’m sorry,” Yixing mumbled. “I shouldn’t have been mad at you. I don’t have the right to. You don’t have to tell me everything about what you’ve done with your life. Your past is your past and I respect that.”

Sehun slightly pulled away, saying, “I know you do.” He combed Yixing’s bangs aside and placed a kiss in his forehead. “But I should’ve let you know in a different way… and a long time ago, too. I just—“

“Shh…” Yixing straightened again, finally connecting his eyes with Sehun’s. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” His hands cupped his face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

Sehun softly smiled, staring at him. He also brought up one hand and caressed Yixing’s cheek. He didn’t hesitate and covered the space between them. A warm feeling replaced the twinge in his chest with every caress their lips shared. They were inside their little haven, and Sehun wanted to stay there forever. When their lips parted, he didn’t open his eyes.

“I’m sorry, too.”

Yixing shook his head and hugged him instead, burying his face on Sehun’s neck. They stayed like that for a long time, relieved that they were now okay. But then Yixing’s phone rang. Sehun let him go and Yixing quickly stood up. When he answered, he was simply humming, listening intently to whatever Baekhyun—it had to be him—was saying.

“But… are you sure?” Yixing suddenly asked, staring at the floor.

Sehun looked expectantly at him, hoping he could understand something—though Yixing’s expressions were giving him an idea of their conversation.

“Since when?”

Yixing frowned and Sehun stood up.

“Are they sure, Baek?” Yixing looked at him and nervously bit his lower lip.

“Xing,” Sehun almost whispered, feeling uneasy when Yixing just kept his eyes on him, without saying anything.

“I— alright…” Yixing closed his eyes and rubbed his face. “Tell me when you get home, okay? Bye.”

Yixing hung up and stared down at his phone, nervously playing with the phone case.

“So?” Sehun asked, patience already forgotten.

“There’s…” Yixing sighed again, his eyes still fixed on the phone. “There’s no one in the apartment and the neighbors haven’t seen Yeol since Monday morning.”

Yixing looked at Sehun again and just like that, the twinge came back.

 

 

_Sehun was sitting on a bench facing the Han River. The trees had long since lost their foliage and the river was completely frozen. The wind was blowing, making him shudder at the contact. He hugged his arms to himself, feeling silly for not having worn a thicker jacket. Suddenly, the light poles began to blink, until a deep darkness engulfed him. He remained motionless, waiting for the light to return so he could get on his way back home. It was at that moment when he wondered what he was doing there and where Yixing was. However, he didn’t have time to formulate an answer because the ice of the river cracked._

_A red light came out through the fissures that slowly began to spread all over the river and once one of those was large enough, a body came out. Wearing a black robe, and holding a sharp sickle, the Grim Reaper slowly began to walk toward Sehun. It was when it was close enough to him that he noticed that it was carrying a cardboard box. The reaper pointed a bony finger at him, and when the bone was about to touch him, the light suddenly came back._

_He blinked several times, and when he was able to focus again, he realized that he was no longer in the Han River, but in a kitchen—Chanyeol’s kitchen. Sehun wanted to call him, but a strange, rusty smell that flooded the room caused his head to spin, preventing the words from coming out of his mouth. Sehun placed his hands on the counter, trying to maintain his balance._

_And then he saw it._

_His hands were covered with red. In his right hand he held a butcher knife that was also dirty, and from the counter crimson drops were dripping to the floor at the same pace as the twinge inside his chest. He looked up and a scream clogged his throat. Chanyeol was in front of him, lying on the counter. He had no clothes and his arms, as well as his thorax, looked like a hydrographic map, with the red water of the rivers and lakes dripping on the ground, flowing into the red ocean that the kitchen had become._

_Chanyeol’s eyes were wide open, staring at him. His chest wasn’t moving and when Sehun trailed all the way down his body, he noticed that something was missing. The smell of blood intensified, making it impossible to breathe. A knot formed in his throat, provoking an immense desire to get out to breathe fresh air. The knife fell from his hands, and the sound of metal hitting the tiles altered the eternal silence in which the kitchen was. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to control his breathing, but something in his left hand didn’t allow him to close his fist completely. He looked at it, and there he found the missing part of Chanyeol's body. Sehun tried to let go, but his fist didn’t give in. The detached penis of his friend was held so tightly that it seemed that at any moment it would shatter, leaving in his hand the feeling of squeezing wet sand._

_Sehun collapsed on the floor, soaking his clothes with reddish juice. He looked at Chanyeol’s limp body and he saw how the blood was pouring from everywhere—his nostrils, his ears, from his tear ducts. From each one of his pores, turning red the cold, blue skin. When the blood was almost waist level, he noticed that Chanyeol had disappeared, leaving him alone to drown in that red ocean. The room began to spin again and when black spots appeared on his field of vision, he tried with all his might to scream for help._

_Maybe someone would hear him._

_Someone that would give him the solution to stop swimming under the blood._

_He needed someone to hear him, and he needed it now._

 

With a sharp gasp, Sehun sat abruptly on the bed; his chest burning due to the lack of air. He felt cold drops of sweat running down his skin, causing chills wherever they passed.

Yixing was sitting next to him, watching him with wide eyes. He was frowning and his chest was moving unstably. When their eyes met, Sehun felt his eyes sting. Yixing simply took off the sweater he was wearing and pulled Sehun toward him, laying him down again and wiping Sehun’s face with the sweater.

They stayed that way until their breathing normalized and when the weight of fatigue crushed Sehun again, he realized that if Chanyeol died, it would be his fault.

 

 

Friday arrived way too fast for Sehun’s liking.

When the first sun beams entered through the window, he got out of bed, with Yixing following shortly after. They both tried to maintain their routine just as if it were any other day, but they both knew that something was wrong.

After discovering that Chanyeol had been missing, Mr. and Mrs. Park filed a report, and the next day Sehun and Yixing had the police in their apartment again. They knew it would happen, so both hadn’t gone to classes and had asked permission at work to be absent for a few days. The police interrogated them about their relationship with Chanyeol. About their perspectives regarding his personality, and his relationship with all those who were close to him.

“Just to rule out whether he has decided to leave on his own,” they had said.

At this point the couple was sure that Chanyeol’s disappearance wasn’t a simple misfortune, and they were scared. A part of them had known that the hourglass was about to mark the end, but neither knew how to turn it over and make the time run again.

Sehun was sitting on the floor, with his head resting on the couch. Yixing was next to him holding his hand, absentmindedly twining and untwining their fingers together. They had been like that for hours, probably. It was as if they were slowly accepting their fate, waiting for it to come whenever it had to. Sehun would dare to say that their attitude was completely off. Given the circumstances, anyone would be completely out of their mind, going crazy for how everything was pointing to a bad end. But not them. They were completely calm and Sehun believed that it was some defense mechanism that their brains had created to prepare them for the final blow.

He was brought back to reality when a knock on the door interrupted the silence. Yixing tightened his grip on Sehun’s hand, and the latter felt how his heart began to beat in his throat. There was another knock, and Sehun slowly stood up. Yixing pulled him lightly to keep him from moving away, but that didn’t stop him. When he was in front of the door, he took three deep breaths. His hands were completely out of control, violently shaking, preventing his grip on the door handle from being strong enough to open it. He had to try several times until the door handle gave away.

Like the previous eight times, a delivery man was holding a tablet and a box in his hands. Sehun’s chest contracted and his eyes watered. The man looked at him surprised, but he said nothing. Once all the procedure was done, and Sehun was back inside the apartment, Yixing stood up from the floor and warily approached.

Sehun remained in the same place. His hands hadn’t stopped shaking and no matter how hard he tried, his breathing never stabilized. He stared at the box in his hands, not allowing his eyes to look anywhere else. He noticed that it had a white paper stuck on the lid. He took it and he went back to the time when the envelopes and messages were the only ones to arrive. The note was designed like the others, with the message formed from different letters cut from different places.

 

_‘I’ll give you two weeks of rest. I assure you I’m not a monster, Sehunnie. I’m so sorry for your lost.’_

 

The air completely left his lungs and in a desperate attempt to prove that there was nothing inside it—trying to deny what his mind and heart already knew—Sehun tore off the adhesive tape that secured the box. His movements were so abrupt that at the moment he released the box it fell to the ground. Sehun immediately dropped by its side, ignoring how his hands were stained with red, and how the fall had stained the box as well. When he opened it, everything happened in slow motion.

The box had landed upside down on the floor, causing the contents to stay on the lid— _dirtying the name written on it._ Sehun heard Yixing screaming, but he didn’t react. The _'Park Chanyeol'_ that was written there was now stained with red, and a severed penis lay next to the _'Park'_.

A sob escaped his throat and Sehun shook his head several times, unable to believe what was happening. He could hear someone's bawls, but he wasn’t sure who they were coming from. The sound was horrible and it made him want to tear out his ears and throw them out from the balcony. In an attempt to mute the sobs, Sehun put his hands to his ears, pulling hard at the hair that was near of them, turning his originally blond strands a reddish color.

What happened next was completely blurred out. He wasn’t sure of how many time he spent sitting on the floor, with his hands covering his ears. His eyes flooded with tears and his hiccupping caused him to jump, increasing the intensity of the twinge in his chest. The sounds had been muted a long time ago, and so he never noticed when the screams and bawls stopped and were replaced with a phone ringing. His hearing gradually returned to its normal state and Sehun immediately turned his head and looked for the source of the sound, finding the phone on Yixing’s hand.

Yixing was sitting on the floor, with his back leaning on the door. His hair was disheveled in all possible ways. His eyes were red and swollen, and his cheeks were bright from the light coming in through the windows, reflecting in the traces of tears that Yixing hadn’t bothered to clean. When he made eye contact with Sehun, his lower lip quivered and tears shone in his eyes, making him look like a baby that had stopped crying, but was about to cry again.

Sehun felt the urge to hug him, so he crawled until he was next to him. He wrapped him in his arms, and Yixing clung to Sehun’s shirt, sobbing louder in his chest. Sehun’s tears were still falling, but he tried to cry in silence. Yixing had been the one to hold Sehun during the past months, being strong even when all he had wanted was to hide under the blankets and never go out again. It was now time for Sehun to be there for him. In the end, he wasn’t the only victim here. He had finally succeeded in pulling Yixing inside the hole, and they both were way too deep now.

He didn’t notice when the phone went silent, but when it rang again, Sehun cleaned Yixing’s cheeks and placed a kiss on top of his head. Yixing took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and picked up.

“Hello?” His voice sounded so hoarse that it seemed painful.

_“Xing?”_

Sehun had hugged Yixing again so he was able to hear the voice of the other person on the phone—was it Baekhyun?

“Yeah… it’s me.” Yixing sniffed and let out a silent sigh.

There was a long silence and it wasn’t until that moment that Sehun realized that soft whimpers could be heard from the other side of the phone.

 _“I’m with… I’m with Chanyeol’s parents right now. Jongdae’s here as well.”_ Baekhyun finally said. _“The police have… called.”_

Yixing stiffened and Sehun felt his heart pounding again in his throat.

_“They have found Chanyeol.”_

 

 

As far as Sehun remembered, he was in the club dancing with Yixing a song that stunned his ears with the sharp beat the DJ had decided to add to it. He remembered fighting with one of Jongdae’s classmates, and he also remembered putting ice on Yixing’s bloated fist the next day. He also remembered that a week later, the police had been in their apartment, raising the report of a burglary. He remembered that that had happened at the beginning of August, and now that he had stopped to look at the date on his phone, he realized that it marked the month of December—August had long since left.

_At what time was the year over?_

Now that he came to think about it, Sehun couldn’t remember many important events of the previous months. It was more like he was wearing glasses and he had unintentionally touched one of the lenses with a dirty finger, leaving a stain that didn’t allow him to see anything but a blurred image. He could remember finishing his semester a few days ago, feeling relieved that he didn’t have to worry about school, work, and the boxes at the same time, at least for a few weeks. 

He could also remember celebrating Jongdae’s and Yixing's birthdays. That should’ve indicated him that September was almost gone and October had already started, respectively. He also had present Chanyeol’s birthday. Then that would’ve told him that November was about to end. While he had been there, celebrating with his friends, it was more than clear that his mind had been elsewhere. Because as much as he tried to remember what had happened in those celebrations; to remember what they had eaten or what they had talked about; Sehun had no idea of anything.

Just like today.

Sehun knew that he had got up early and had taken a shower. He had put on his suit and left his apartment, wearing a black coat that covered up his calves—apparently it was cold, or so had Yixing said. But after that, all the way from the apartment to the graveyard was completely blurred, and the funeral had happened without him noticing it.

He wouldn’t have realized that it was over if Mrs. Park hadn’t stopped in front of him to give him a hug, thanking him for being there, bidding farewell to her son. It was when he was walking out of the graveyard that Mrs. Park’s words finally sank in.

_Chanyeol was gone._

His chest contracted and a lump in his throat formed again. Tears blurred his vision and he had to stop walking.

“Hun?” Yixing turned back, looking for him.

Sehun had his fists next to his body, holding the sides of his coat. He closed his eyes and the tears finally fell, accompanied by a low whine.

Yixing went back to where Sehun was standing and embraced him. They violently shake due to Sehun’s sobs and they suddenly went back to those times in which Sehun cried after having burnt one of the penises and Yixing reassured him that everything was alright. Sehun more than ever wanted to believe in those words.

Yixing didn’t hurry him, staying there with him until he shed all his tears.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun apologized when Yixing pulled away.

Yixing cleaned Sehun’s cheeks before shaking his head and cleaning his own cheeks. He sent him a soft smile and said, “Let’s go home.”

They went back in silence and when they arrived to the apartment, everything seemed… lugubrious.

Sehun didn’t bother to change his clothes. He just sat on the couch, with his head resting on the back, staring at the ceiling. He jumped when Yixing sat next to him, resting his head on his shoulder. He had already changed his clothes and was now wearing a pair of sweats and a hoodie. He looked comfortable, and that made Sehun smile a little. He pulled Yixing toward him, wanting to have him as close as possible, as if he were afraid something would steal him from his side. They spent the rest of the day like that, without saying anything. None of them was hungry, so there had been no need to move.

Sehun felt completely drained. There wasn’t even energy for him to cry again. Not that he wanted to, anyway. His eyes burned; even blinking hurt—though it couldn’t compare at all with the pain in his chest. He watched how the sky was slowly turning a faint tone of orange. The buildings that surrounded Seoul didn’t let him see the sunset, but he still found the change of colors in the sky pleasing.

“Are you awake?” Yixing suddenly asked, interrupting his train of thoughts.

Sehun hummed in response, moving his hand to caress Yixing’s hair.

Yixing didn’t say anything for a while, playing with one of the buttons in Sehun’s coat. It was when the sky had turned a fiery tone of orange that he spoke again. “What do you think about moving out?”

Sehun stopped the movements of his hand and straightened, looking at the guy on his lap. “What do you mean?”

Yixing kept on playing with the button, ignoring Sehun’s stare on him. “I’m just saying that maybe we could start again somewhere else. Somewhere where they can’t send you boxes anymore.”

The idea came so sudden that it took Sehun aback. He hadn’t even thought about that all day, but now that it was back in his mind, his brain began to work a mile per hour, throwing questions that didn’t have a real answer— _could they really move out? Could they finally live in peace again? Could he live again without fearing to receive horrible things in the mail? Was that possible?_

“Where could we go?”

Yixing pondered his answer for a few minutes before replying, “I was thinking about Busan. It’s a big city and it’s far from Seoul. It won’t be that easy to find us. It could be just for a while. It doesn’t have to be permanent.”

 _Busan_. It wasn’t a bad idea. The city was at the opposite end of the country, and even if it wasn’t as populated as Seoul, it would still be almost impossible for that person to get with them. It was almost beautiful to think that they would finally get their normal lives back. The problem was that those lives were established in Seoul. Could they simply leave everything behind?

“What about our jobs? And school? You have one semester left and then you’re done with school. Are you…” Sehun frowned, realizing it wasn’t that easy. “Are we going to drop everything just like that?”

Yixing finally looked at him in the eyes, straightening as well. He took Sehun’s hands and gave them a light squeeze. “If it means you’re going to be alright, then I’ll do it. I don’t care.”

Sehun stared at him, not knowing what to say.

Their relationship wasn’t a game for either of them; there was no doubt about it. Sehun was completely sure about his feelings, and so he was about Yixing’s. Was it too soon for him to assure that he wanted to be with Yixing for the rest of his life? _Maybe._ He was just 21, after all, and Yixing had turned 24 two months ago. They weren’t teenagers, but any adult would say that they were still too young to start a life together, turning what they had into a serious, long-term relationship.

But couldn’t it be considered serious enough already?

For fuck’s sake, they lived together! Having completed one year and a half as a couple, they had come to the conclusion that living under the same roof wouldn’t be that bad. It had been the hastiest decision they both had ever made, but something inside them was telling them that it was the right thing to do.

Knowing this, however, didn’t avoid the overwhelming feeling Sehun was experiencing. Living together was one thing, but Yixing dropping _everything_ he had worked so hard for just because Sehun was having a bad moment in his life was on another level. Yixing still had a whole life ahead and Sehun couldn’t simply take it all away from him. He wouldn’t forgive himself.

“Stop it, Hun,” Yixing interrupted his train of thoughts, burying a hand in the hair on Sehun’s nape. “I know what you’re thinking. Please stop it. I love you, okay? I would do anything for you to be fine.” Sehun took a lot of time to say something back, so Yixing took that as a negative response. “We don’t have to do it. If you don’t want to, it’s okay.“

“No, no! I…” Sehun took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds. They had nothing to lose, right? Even if it turned out to be a mistake, he would still have Yixing and everything would be fine.

He let go of the air in his lungs and stared at Yixing. This would top his hasty-decisions list, but it was worth the attempt. Busan was a good option. It was their escape. It would keep them safe—so Busan was where they were going.

“Let’s do it. Let’s move out.”

 

 

Two weeks after that awful day, dozens of boxes with their belongings were put in a van and taken from Seoul to Busan.

Yixing had talked to Mr. Kang, explaining their wishes to move from Seoul. It had been just to let him know that they weren’t staying there anymore, but the man ended up asking if they had where to stay—apparently he was engaged in renting apartments throughout the country. That was new information for the couple, but that afternoon they thanked him for having given them a new place to live.

The moving process was fast; more than what Sehun had imagined. Jongdae, Baekhyun and Luhan had gone in their last weekend there to help them packing. They had spent a good time together, talking about funny anecdotes. There was something that was missing, of course, but they tried to stay cheerful, knowing pretty well that Chanyeol wouldn’t have liked to see them so decay; even less because of him.

It was obvious that they were still affected, but they were all trying hard to continue with their lives just to feel that they weren’t disappointing their friend. That’s why, when he and Yixing told them that they had decided to leave Seoul, their friends understood. Each one was healing in their own way, and if the couple considered that moving away would help them, then they would respect it. That didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to lose them too, had Jongdae said, and Sehun couldn’t agree more.

Baekhyun even tried to convince them to stay at least until New Year, but he didn’t succeed. Sehun and Yixing remained firm in their decision. They used as a pretext that as New Year arrived, they might as well start from scratch. Of course that was a lie to a certain extent. They had only two weeks to leave before the next box arrived, according to the note in Chanyeol’s box. Continuing to delay their escape would simply complicate everything.

The day they left was full of nostalgia. Their friends, as well as Sehun’s family, had gone to their apartment to eat there one last time together. Their friends spent the time joking about throwing a party because they wouldn’t have to deal with their PDA anymore. Sehun’s family also joked, saying that they would only miss Yixing. It made Sehun feel that his life was finally going back to normal, and he really hoped it was the start they had so desperately sought for.

One week later, they found themselves lying on the couch, enjoying the sunset that could be seen from the balcony. That was Sehun’s favorite part of the new apartment. It had a pretty sight of the ocean at the distance, and it somehow gave him peace of mind.

As for the rest of the apartment, he had loved it, as well. It was bigger than the previous one. Now they didn’t have to have everything messily accumulated wherever it could fit—although they didn’t have enough belongings for such a space, so it looked quite empty.

"Having those empty shelves there makes me feel like we’re poor guys trying to steal the identity of some rich dudes,” Yixing said, staring at the furniture from his position next to Sehun on the couch.

“We look better than any rich dude,” Sehun said, pulling Yixing toward him.

The elder placed one arm around Sehun’s waist, slowly caressing above his hip bone. “No. _I_ look better than any rich dude,” he said, burying his face on Sehun’s neck. “You just look decent.”

Sehun laughed and hit him lightly in the arm, earning a cackle from him.

Silence fell over them after that and Sehun could only think about those times when they would sit like this on a regular basis. He remembered how calm and loved he felt, and how happy and grateful he was for having what they had. Sehun thought about it, and those days seemed to have happened years ago. He wasn’t sure if he could already say that it was finally all over, but he wanted to enjoy that little spark of calmness he felt at that moment.

"Xing," he mumbled. Yixing hummed in response, and Sehun placed two soft kisses on the crown of his head. “I love you.”

Yixing’s hand stopped for a moment. “I love you, too.” He continued caressing his hip bone. “With my whole being.”

They didn’t speak again, both pretending that they were living an ordinary life. That they were just chilling there, too lazy to make plans. That they hadn’t run away. That tonight they would receive a call from one of their friends inviting them to go to the club or to watch movies at one of their apartments. That they would decline because they weren’t in the mood of moving from the couch. That Chanyeol would whine about rejecting their weekly reunion and not caring enough about their friendship…

_That Chanyeol was still alive._

Sehun liked the idea. Tricking his brain was easier when he didn’t have to think about envelopes, severed penises, ‘curable’ asexualities and crazy harassers. That idea was just a recreation of how his life had been, and it was perfect. Everything was perfect, _except_ … except his brain wasn’t stupid. His brain knew better and it wasn’t having any of this pathetic pretense. It couldn’t be tricked and it was working hard since Chanyeol’s box had arrived, replaying everything again and again with no mercy.

He was completely aware of how the boxes had looked. How each penis was covered with blood. How those dirty boxes seemed the canvas of an artist who loved to express his emotions by splashing it excessively with red paint. He could still register the smell of blood on his nostrils, as well as that of overcooked, burnt meat. He could even imagine the pain it had caused the way those penises had been ripped off.

He still had clear in his mind his dream— _nightmare_. Ever since that night, whenever Sehun was alone or in silence, Chanyeol’s bloody body appeared in his mind, preventing him from thinking about something else. It was as if his brain loved to play with him. As if it were a little deranged kid who enjoyed burning ants with a magnifying glass, reflecting the sun—and Sehun were an ant.

 _It doesn’t matter, anyway,_ he thought after a while. They were far away from Seoul and this person would have to spend a lot of time looking for them. Nobody is that obsessed. Nobody _can’t_ be that obsessed. Sighing, he closed his eyes, and a few minutes later he fell asleep, with his brain reproducing those disturbing images, and his heart telling him that they would be fine.

 

 

_Orange, apple or grape?_

It was still winter but Yixing _loved_ to drink cold juice, no matter the season. So there Sehun was, standing in front of a fridge in the convenience store, pondering which juice he should buy.

 _We drank grape juice last week,_ he thought. _And I don’t even like apple juice!_

Sehun rolled his eyes. His dinner was waiting for him at home! He was wasting valuable time deciding on something that had been obvious since the beginning—Yixing liked all juice flavors, anyway. He opened the glass door and cold air hit his face. He immediately took out a bottle of orange juice and walked to the counter. He paid his juice, and snuggling in his jacket he left the store. It wasn’t late but the night was cold, so nobody was outside. Sehun wandered all the way home, enjoying the cold breeze hitting his cheeks.

Time had passed in the blink of an eye, and without him noticing, February was about to end. Their life hadn’t changed much. The only differences were their new jobs and the absence of school life. And the best of all, their mail remained empty. Sehun had been afraid of receiving something during the first two weeks, but when it didn’t happen, he let himself think that it was officially over.

He, as well as Yixing, had slowly began to heal. Now it wasn’t that easy for them to cry whenever they mentioned Chanyeol. And knowing that Baekhyun, Luhan and Jongdae were also having some progress with that, made him feel at ease. There was still something on the back of his head telling him that he had been the cause of everything, but he would always reject those thoughts.

Once he was again in their building, he took the elevator. When he arrived to their floor, Sehun took his keys out from his pocket and opened the door. The smell of spicy noodles flooded the apartment and his mouth automatically became watery. He padded out of his shoes and when he walked in the living room, he found Yixing sitting on the couch.

“Your juice is here!”

He continued his way to the kitchen, not waiting for a reply—he didn’t receive one, anyway. _Weird._ He placed the bag on the counter, took the juice out, and went back to the living room.

“It’s so cold outside!” He said, stopping behind Yixing. He took off his jacket and placed it in the couch. “I just wanted to head back home! Could you believe that it took me more than 5 minutes choosing a flavor? There were apple, orange and grape, but I didn’t— _Xing_?” Sehun frowned, noticing that Yixing hadn’t say anything. He wasn’t even looking at him. Now that Sehun paid more attention, his shoulders looked tensed, and overall, Yixing seemed to be stressed about something. “What’s wrong?” he asked, slowly surrounding the couch so he could face him.

Yixing had his elbows on his knees and his fingers were intertwined in front of his face. He looked pale, even more than he already was. He was staring at the front, and Sehun followed his line of vision. The living room didn’t have a coffee table, so there was an empty space in the middle—and there his eyes found a cardboard box. It was patiently waiting for them to open it, and Sehun felt as if something had punched him hard in the stomach. His lungs lost all the air they had and the twinge in his chest came back.

“What… is that?” he asked, looking at Yixing. When their eyes met, he just found despair in the elder’s look. He turned to look at the box again and then it hit him. He had been too naïve to think everything was over.

It couldn’t be happening. Not again. They were supposed to live in peace. They had been fine for almost two months. They had been fine even before he had gone to buy the juice! Sehun’s head was spinning and his chest was heaving unsteadily. He slowly began to walk backwards, trying to stay as far away as possible from the box.

“Sehun.” Yixing stood up and walked toward him. “Sehun, look at me.”

But Sehun didn’t tear his eyes away from the box. How many people would that lunatic kill because of him? Wasn’t Chanyeol enough? Weren’t the other eight people enough? What was next? Killing him? Killing Yixing?

Sehun shut his eyes and shook his head repeatedly. He wanted to disappear. This couldn’t be happening to him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was a good person. Then why did he have to be living this life? It was unfair. He hadn’t chosen to be the way he was. He had never asked to be asexual. It was enough with everyone thinking he was sick and he could be healed. Dealing with the boxes was something he didn't deserve and it was more he could ever handle.

Yixing called him again, touching his arm, but Sehun shoved him away, giving a few steps backwards. “Don’t touch me.”

“Sehu—”

“I said don’t touch me!”

He quickly walked away, heading to their room.  He locked the door, preventing Yixing from entering, and walked next to their bed. He slowly dragged himself on the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He hadn’t noticed he was crying, but a sob got stuck in his throat and made him choke. He wrapped his arms around his body and let himself cry, feeling more pathetic than ever.

“Sehun, open the door!” Yixing desperately said from the other side. “Don’t do this! Please let me in!”

Sehun shook his head, as though Yixing could see him. He heard him for a long time, but he ignored him; even when he noticed that Yixing’s voice began to quiver.

He felt tired. He just wanted to sleep and never come back to the real world. Living here or in dreamland was the same, anyway. Both were nightmares for him and he didn’t have any way to escape.

His chest, his throat, and his eyes were burning, and the twinge didn’t let him breathe. Black spots clouded his sight and he blinked trying to fade them away, but his eyelids were heavy and he couldn’t help but give in and keep his eyes closed. The last thing he heard was his desperate heartbeat and in the distance, another plea from Yixing, asking him to open the door.

 

 

Sehun opened his eyes, finding the room completely dark. There was no light but a faint moonbeam coming through the curtains. The temperature had dropped and he was shaking. He tried to move, but his arm was numb from the position in which he had fallen asleep. Groaning, he sat with his back against the wall and turned to see the alarm clock in one of the nightstands—it was 4:49 a.m. He slowly stood up, realizing that the apartment was hushed. Stretching his muscles, he unlocked the door and walked out, finding the rest of the place as dark as the room.

Entering the living room, he turned the light on, and there he found Yixing curled up in the couch. He was covering himself with Sehun’s jacket and a wave of guilt crashed against his body. He had locked Yixing out of their room, so he had ended up sleeping there, with nothing to cover himself from the cold.

He sighed and went to the couch, so Yixing could sleep on their bed. He didn’t want to wake him up, but his arm was still numb and it would be hard for him to carry him to the bed without fearing that he would let him fall. He slowly stroked Yixing’s arm, but that didn’t stop Yixing from waking up in a jump.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you,” Sehun said, stroking his own arm to warm it a little.

Yixing straightened and rubbed his eyes. He stared at Sehun and the latter noticed the implicit question dancing in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” Sehun whispered.

Yixing hesitantly nodded, and stood up. He walked by Sehun, but before leaving the room, he faced him again. “I already burned it, in case you wanted to know.”

Sehun stared at the floor, and a doubt arose in him. He knew that knowing the answer would make him feel bad again, but he still asked. He needed to know. “Who was the…?”

"Choi Siwon."

There was nothing else to say, so Yixing continued walking, leaving Sehun alone in the living room. A lump formed in his throat, and although he didn’t feel that familiar urge to cry, the new name added wood to the guilt fire inside him. Choi Siwon had been his math teacher in high school. Sehun remembered that the man had a family, and he felt sorry for having been the cause for those kids had lost one of their parents.

He sat on the couch, occupying the warm space that Yixing had left. He looked at the sky through the window, letting himself be lost in the darkness above them.

So that was it, he thought. Their efforts to escape had been in vain. That was their destiny. That would be the life they would have to live from now on until everything was over. But now that he thought about it, it wasn’t that difficult to survive. The entries in the notebook weren’t endless. If he recalled correctly, there were still a few more, and that was it. Then that meant that the unwanted penises would stop arriving soon! It was just a matter of time before the last box arrive. Then they could go back to their previous lives in Seoul and they would be happy again.

The idea eased the twinge in his chest and it wasn’t hammering his insides as hard as before. He could even say he was excited. Now he could count the weeks until their definite new beginning arrived.

That was what he told himself that night, but one week later, he wasn’t so sure about being that brave. With the new penis, his reaction, although not as intense as the previous ones, had still been similar. He hadn’t locked himself in the bedroom this time, but he still had a hard time witnessing all.

As for the owner of the penis—because Chanyeol’s death had confirmed that both the penis and the name in each box had the same owner—Lee Hyukjae, the basketball coach of his high school, had been the unfortunate one this time.

After him came Huang Zitao’s box. He had been one of his classmates at his English class. Then there was Nakamoto Yuta, his first roomate at the university. And Jung Joonoh, a guy who had worked with him in his second job.

He wouldn’t say that he was already used to see severed bloody penises, but Sehun had slowly gained some courage to endure it all. Yixing had always been there and knowing he wasn’t alone was the strength he needed to confront his demons. He still had some progress to make, though. He didn’t want to rely on Yixing every time one box arrived, because he knew that Yixing was as disgusted and scared as he himself was. So he promised to himself that he would work in that. He would do it for Yixing and for him.

That’s why today, when the delivery man knocked on their door, Sehun had wanted to deal with the box by himself. He had been lucky that today was his day off.  Yixing wasn’t at home, so it was his chance to try it without his boyfriend witnessing everything if he failed.

Sehun was squatting on the balcony holding the matchbox and the bottle of alcohol. He had spent about 30 minutes pondering whether to open the box or not. Even though he had decided to try, the disgust was still present, so it hadn’t been that easy to proceed.

Closing his eyes, he tried to calm the storm that had begun inside him. With every twinge in his chest, a thunder roared within him. He was anxious, and it was until that moment when he stopped to think that Yixing had done a lot for him.

Sehun gulped, telling himself that he had to do it. It was his chance to pay Yixing back everything he had been doing. To stop making him suffer with those penises that were, to begin with, for Sehun and not for him. He had to man up. He had to be someone Yixing felt proud of calling his boyfriend.

He breathed in and opened his eyes. Slowly he moved his hand to where the lid was and waited a few seconds. He breathed out and quickly opened the box. His hands began to tremble and his breathing became irregular. The smell of blood filled the air and his stomach contracted. He tried to open the bottle, but he couldn’t do it. Frustration suddenly appeared and his eyes got watery. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t able to do it.

“Come on, Sehun! It’s a fucking bottle of alcohol!” he muttered, wiping a tear that rolled down his cheek.

When his trembling hands found the strength to finally open it, he immediately poured the liquid into the box, watching how the blood was cleansed with the alcohol. He wasn’t sure how much of it he had to pour, so het let the liquid flow until there was nothing left in the bottle. He took a match and after several attempts to light it, the flame finally appeared. Without wasting time, he dropped it in the box and in less than a second, it lit up completely.

He got up and took a few steps back. A strange feeling arose inside him—he had done it. He had burned the penis by himself without panic attacks in between. Sehun was proud of himself, and Yixing probably would be too.

Covering his nose with his sleeve, he stared at the box. The flames and the intense dark smoke didn’t allow him to see anything of the contents. Not even the _‘Kim Minseok’_ that had been written there. He just had to wait for the fire to consume everything and then he was done there.

Sehun wiped again some tears. He felt stupid for crying over such a thing, but he couldn’t help it. It was a big step for him. Now it was official that he could do it by himself and show that whoever was having fun with this wasn’t scaring him. Not anymore. He couldn’t wait for Yixing to come home and tell him everything. From now on, Sehun would be the one to burn each box, just as it should’ve been since the beginning. He didn’t want those penises to keep on being a nuisance in his life, of course, but until they stopped, he would deal with them.

Thinking about it, he wasn’t sure how many penises were left. He tried to remember who was next in the notebook after he had put Minseok in there, but his brain didn’t get an answer. If he recalled correctly, Minseok had been one of the last entries— _or had he been the last one?_

After Chanyeol had introduced him to Yixing, the latter introduced him to Luhan, his roommate. Luhan then introduced him to Minseok, a friend of his in university. Sehun had introduced them to Jongdae and Baekhyun, his roommates back then, and that’s how they all became friends.

As for Minseok, he was a man who always said what he wanted, no matter what that was. Of course he was blatantly direct with Sehun when he confessed that he was attracted to him. Sehun hadn’t known how to reject him without making everything weird between them. Minseok wasn’t ugly, and Sehun maybe would've considered knowing him better under other circumstances, but he wasn’t interested. His heart was already targeting Yixing and there was no point of return.

Minseok had reacted quite well to Sehun’s rejection, but from that day on, he always made sure that their bodies were in contact at least once whenever they were together. At first Sehun ignored him, pretending he didn’t notice Minseok’s intentions. But when those ‘accidental’ touches became increasingly inappropriate and recurrent, he had to put an end to it. He was extremely uncomfortable and it wasn’t fun. He tried to reason with Minseok, but the man had felt offended. In a moment of madness, he had attacked Sehun’s lips, roaming his hands all over his body—as if doing so would change Sehun’s mind. That certainly ended with Sehun running home to cry and write, and Minseok not wanting to spend time with any of them again.

A few months later he started dating Yixing and that led him not to touch the notebook again until…

 _Wait_.

Sehun’s heart skipped a beat and the twinge hit his chest more intensely than he had ever felt before. He walked slowly toward their bedroom, as if in a trance, and began to look for the notebook, recalling what had happened after Minseok left.

He had moved on and had stopped thinking about that day with Minseok, just as he had done with the previous 14 people in the notebook. Over the next few months he became closer with Yixing and he was really excited. They usually had dates—according to Sehun’s mind, at least, those had been dates—whenever the opportunity presented itself. They went to eat; to the movies; to the theatre. Sometimes they just spent their time chilling on the couch, talking about anything, or hanging out with their friends. He wasn’t sure how or who had started it, but he had nothing to complain about.

Everyone knew there was something between them, and the other four of the group were always teasing them. When that happened, Sehun felt embarrassed because he didn’t know what they were exactly and he didn’t want Yixing to feel uncomfortable. However, whenever the teasing comments were thrown at them, Yixing would only tell them to shut up, smiling slightly, trying to hide the faint blush on his face. He never denied it, making the butterflies in Sehun’s stomach go crazy.

It wasn’t until winter came that year that Sehun took courage and dared to officially ask Yixing to be his boyfriend. He had been so nervous that he didn’t realize that Yixing had said yes and had excitedly jumped on him. He reacted when his lips were connected to Yixing’s, and not even the snow they had been lying on had stopped the warmth that was rising within him. That night they shared their first—and second, third, tenth—kiss and Sehun discovered that kisses and hugs could be addictive.

After that day, he never paid attention to anyone who showed any sexual interest in him, whether they were strangers or not. And the best of all was that he didn’t react to them, being indifference the only thing he felt.

They spent the first months of their relationship in a perfect bubble, and Sehun loved it, but he knew that they couldn’t stay like that forever. He still had an important talk to have with Yixing and he couldn’t delay it any longer.

His asexuality was far from being a secret. Certainly, he never walked with a ‘Hey, I’m asexual!’ sign on, but never had he treated it as confidential information. His problem was that he had never had to face a situation like this and he didn’t know how to bring the topic up. He hadn’t considered the sexual factor and he felt that he had acted selfishly when he had asked Yixing to be his boyfriend. He should’ve told him such important thing before going any further. To let him, then, decide whether he wanted to give it a try or not.

He had been completely blinded by the excitement of finally falling in love that he hadn’t stopped to remember why he hadn’t let himself fall for someone before, in the first place. He forgot that he was going to make sure that the other person was willing to accept him completely before giving him his heart. In his defense, Sehun could say that Yixing had come to alter his plans without his consent. He hadn’t seen it coming and when he realized that Yixing was dangerous for him to stand firm in his decision, it was already too late.

He was sure that Yixing had an idea, though. Every time they went out, he had to deal with some unpleasant comments when they found intolerant people who were aware of his situation. Yixing had never asked, nor had he changed his attitude toward Sehun, but he wasn’t deaf. He had to, at least, wonder why that happened. Nevertheless, Sehun had yet to let him know by his own mouth that he was asexual, and if he had to be honest, he was afraid of how Yixing would react.

He wanted to believe that Yixing wouldn’t change his mind; that he wouldn’t leave him. But there was a voice somewhere in his head telling him that maybe Yixing would break up with him once he knew, and that possibility was the source of his fear. He spent weeks pondering when to tell him, unable to make a decision. He couldn’t put himself together and talk to Yixing about it, and that indecision caused for Yixing to know in the most unfortunate way.

To celebrate their seventh month together—yes, they were that disgustingly cheesy—they had gone to the movies and then to have dinner at that new Mexican restaurant that Yixing was dying to visit. Everything had gone amazingly well, but when they left the restaurant, it suddenly started to rain. They weren’t prepared for it, so they ended up with their clothes soaked. Sehun, Jongdae and Baekhyun’s apartment was the closest, so they went there.

There they took a shower to warm themselves a little. Sehun had been waiting for Yixing to get out of the bathroom when he received a text from Baekhyun. They had been at Chanyeol’s that night, and since the sky was still heavily pouring, they were going to stay there. Sehun then offered Yixing to stay with him so he wouldn’t get wet again, and that’s how they ended up snuggled under Sehun’s blankets, watching a movie on his laptop.

They spent their time cuddling, embraced in each other’s arms. Sometimes they lovingly caressed each other, sometimes they kissed. Their behavior wasn’t different from that of any other couple. But when their kisses couldn’t stop, and both the duration and intensity of them began to increase, Sehun realized that it was no longer something normal. At least not for them. But even if it wasn’t normal, he hadn’t known how to stop it.

He had been so worried about deciding what to do, that he didn’t notice when Yixing straddled him. Each caress and kiss that Yixing gave him didn’t feel like those he had experienced before. He didn’t feel that Yixing was forcing him to do it, or that he wanted to use him only to satisfy his needs. He actually felt that they were given with _love_. That didn’t mean, however, that they were making him feel good, and even less horny. He only felt that huge need to get Yixing off him and ask him to stop.

Another part of him, though, felt terrified that Yixing would hate him for it. That’s why he didn’t follow his instincts and let him continue. How hard could it be to have sex, anyway? It was a simple process, and according to what he had heard, it didn’t last that much. He could make it. For their relationship, as well as for Yixing. It was pretty obvious that his boyfriend was interested sex, so it meant that maybe it would make him happy to take that step in their relationship, right? Sehun loved to see Yixing happy, and happy Yixing equaled to happy Sehun.

He might never want to get off, but he could still take it as a way to spend time with Yixing. Or even better! _Maybe_ it had always been just his nerves and in fact he wasn’t asexual! So _maybe_ what he just had to do was to get on with it. How hard could that be? Seriously, it couldn’t be that difficult—and sure, it wasn’t difficult at all, but not for Sehun. And so, when their clothes began to disappear, he couldn’t take it anymore. He pushed Yixing, causing him to fall on the bed next to him. He hadn’t realized he was crying, but when he saw Yixing's scared face, a sob came from the back of his throat. He got out of the bed and completely ignored Yixing's questions about what was wrong. That only made him cry harder, because Sehun knew he could’ve avoided it from the start. It had been stupid for him to delay what was inevitable and now he would have to explain to Yixing that they could never have sex.

In the midst of hiccups and cries, he managed to tell him what he had been struggling to say for so long. He knew it was pathetic to ask Yixing not to hate him and not to leave him, but that didn’t stop him from doing it, anyway. He didn’t notice when Yixing had got out of bed and had come to wrap him in his arms. Sehun cried helplessly at not having been able to change himself just to be with Yixing. He felt guilty for being the way he was, and for the first time in his life he wished he hadn’t been born that way. But those thoughts disappeared when he heard Yixing assuring him that he didn’t care about sex, because he had fallen in love with him for the person he was, and not because of what they could do in bed.

Then Sehun’s world slowly began to make sense again and he couldn’t be more grateful to have found him. They talked for a long time, and Sehun vented all his feelings. Yixing never interrupted him. He just asked eventual questions, trying to understand him. Sehun had never known that talking about it with someone could feel that well. It had been even better than writing everything down.

After Sehun calmed down, Yixing moved them to the bed. At first the only one in the bed was Sehun, since Yixing had sat on edge, somewhat unsure about how much physical contact they could have—wondering if all that time Sehun had been pretending. Sehun assured him that nothing had to change. That Yixing didn’t disgust him at all, and that if he wanted to continue doing it, he could still kiss, hug and caress him just like he had during those 7 months together. That night they both slept cuddled together, with Sehun feeling the calmness of having released all his worries flow through his body. They still had some things to talk about, but now they both knew that they had enough time to do it, for they had the rest of their relationship to get to know each other well.

Anyone could think that that night Sehun closed a cycle with telling Yixing everything, but that hadn’t marked the end of it. The next day, Yixing had to return home to pick up what he needed to go to school that day. After had left, Sehun had gone to his room and took his little confidant from one of the dressers next to his bed. He wrote everything that had happened the night before. How it had happened; how he had felt. He poured all his emotions in those pages, and after he had finished, he then closed that stage of his life. Now he wouldn’t need that notebook anymore. He had Yixing and he wanted to believe that he would be his new confidant.

Yixing indeed became the support he had always needed, and their bond became stronger. Sehun was sure that they would find a way to make it work, and he hadn’t been wrong. What he hadn’t expected was to come to realize that having that little diary would become a weapon aimed at him.

Sehun was sitting on his bed, with the notebook in his hands. As soon as he saw the name of Yixing written by all the last pages that had been used, realization hit him hard— _Yixing was the next._ He threw the notebook across the bedroom, crashing it against the wall. Panic began to take hold of him and he began to pace all over the bedroom, forcing his brain to find a solution.

He wanted to hit himself hard with something for having been stupid enough to put Yixing on his list. Even at that moment, he still didn’t understand his reasons for doing so. He had started to write because he had no one to talk about his frustrations with, but that hadn’t been his case with Yixing. That day he had wrote Yixing’s entry more out of habit than out of necessity, and that had been one of the biggest mistakes in life.

The twinge in his chest was so intense that it was as if a fist was hitting him from within. His head hurt and he was dizzy. His eyes filled with tears that he didn’t let fall. He had cried enough for the last months. Now it was time to find a way to keep Yixing safe. He wasn’t willing to lose him nor to ruin Yixing’s life.

Running a hand through his hair, he focused his eyes on the floor, as if to find the answer there. The only thing he was sure of was that it had been his fault. They were in this because of him. They would never live a normal life again because he was condemned to pay for something he hadn’t done wrong— _or_ maybe it had been wrong since the very beginning and until now he was realizing it…

Yes! He had been wrong to say no. Then, if his answers would’ve been different, none of those 15 people would be dead. He wouldn’t even be living in this nightmare, to begin with. Everything had started because he had rejected someone, just as he had rejected the other 15. So, if the problem was that he had said no, the only way to end it was to say _yes_. It was logical! In Sehun’s head that made sense, and he was sure that it had to be the solution.

Sitting again on the bed, he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the ground, preparing himself for what was coming. This person could’ve taken away many things from him, but he wasn’t willing to give in this. Not when it was Yixing who he was risking.

 

 

Yixing came home to find the place completely dark. He raised an eyebrow, weirded out by the lack of noise. He took off his shoes and put his backpack on the couch.

“Sehun?” he asked, walking to the bedroom. Maybe he was sleeping.

When he stepped in the room, his heart skipped a bit. Sehun was sitting on the bed, but all the lights were off. The only thing visible was his silhouette lit from the back with the little light coming through the window.

“God, you scared me!” he said, putting a hand on his chest. He walked in and turned on the light. “Why are you sitting there?”

Sehun looked at him, smiling. “Hello, baby.” He extended his arm, telling him to come closer. Once they were near enough, he pulled Yixing toward him until he was sitting on his lap. Sehun hugged him by the waist and buried his face in his neck. “How was your day?”

“It was fine,” Yixing said, putting his arms around Sehun’s shoulders. “We had a lot of work today, but we managed to— _what are you doing?_ “

Yixing tensed immediately—Sehun was kissing his neck. A shiver ran down his back and he automatically closed his eyes. He was so taken aback that he didn’t move. Sehun bit his jaw, making him gasp.

“Wa-Wait, Sehun.” He tried to pull away, but Sehun hold him tight. “Wait. What are you—”

“Shh,” Sehun asked, tracing a path of kisses to Yixing’s lips. “I missed you today,” he said before connecting his lips to Yixing’s.

At first Yixing didn’t react, but he eventually gave in and kissed him back. He was so overwhelmed that he didn’t complain when Sehun made him straddle him, putting Yixing’s knees on the mattress next to his own thighs. His hands instinctively clung to Sehun’s neck to keep his balance.

With each caress that his lips received, the voice inside him told him that they had to stop. That what they were doing was wrong. But Yixing’s mind was so clouded that he simply couldn’t react.

Sehun began to caress him under his shirt and Yixing broke the kiss, trying to look at him. Sehun didn’t let him see his face, burying it again under his chin. He continued kissing, licking and biting, making Yixing’s jeans suddenly tight.

“Sehun,” Yixing gasped, burying his fingers in Sehun’s hair. “Wait… You don’t—”

“Just enjoy it, okay?” Sehun whispered against Yixing’s collarbones.

Yixing gulped and shook his head, trying to get off Sehun, but the latter was faster and took him by the waist. He held Yixing off his ass and without wasting time, began to rub their crotches. The way Sehun tightened his grip didn’t go unnoticed by Yixing, but the action had been so sudden that a moan escaped his lips. It hadn’t been intentional, but it made him snap awake when a whimper reached his ears.

“Se-Sehun, wait. No.”  He straightened up, pushing Sehun’s body with his hands. “Stop it. We have to stop.” Putting one leg down, he tried to get away, but Sehun pulled him close again. “Let go of me,” he said, trying to remove Sehun’s hands from the belt loops of his jeans.

Yixing would’ve laughed at their childish push-and-pull battle in other circumstances, but Sehun’s desperate expression had cause a horrible pain in his chest. He had seen him like that only once, and it had been when Sehun had told him about his asexuality. That night Yixing had promised to himself that he would never make Sehun suffer like that again. That he would take care of him and would never let anyone hurt him—then why were they facing the same situation again?

Yixing managed to break one of Sehun’s hands grip, but the movement had been so strong that it caused him to fall backwards, pulling Sehun with him. They both landed on the floor with a loud thump. Groaning, he tried to sit down, and he saw that Sehun’s head was lowered and his fists were clenched. Yixing’s breathing faltered, and the sound caused Sehun to look at him. It was until then that he noticed that Sehun was crying. He wanted to hold him in his arms, for he had never been able to see him cry. Yet he remained where he was, not wanting to move until he knew what had caused such reaction in him. Sehun wanted to approach to him, but Yixing quickly moved away.

“Where are you going?” Sehun asked, crawling to where Yixing was. “Come here. I know you want to do it.”

Yixing’s face contorted in confusion and distress. He repeatedly shook his head, being unable to speak.

“I know you like sex, and I’m horny,” Sehun blubbered. “Let’s take advantage of that, Xing. _Please_.”

Yixing shook his head another time and began to move away once again. When his back hit the wall, he simply squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see the heartbreaking image in front of him. That didn’t prevent him from hearing Sehun’s pleas, though. He felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks and he was scared.

“Please let me do this, Yixing!” Sehun desperately said, choking on his own words.

In a matter of seconds Sehun was again next to him. Yixing squeezed his eyes harder and bit his lip to stop his own sobs, but it was to no avail. When he felt that Sehun buried his face in his chest, his cry became stronger. He felt helpless because he didn’t know what to do to stop the other’s misery. He could feel Sehun’s tears soaking the fabric of his shirt, and when he began to tremble, Yixing couldn’t stand it anymore. He opened his eyes again and reached down to pull Sehun toward him, holding his head close to his chest. Rocking their bodies, Yixing tried to calm down. He needed to be okay so he could understand what was going on.

“Love…” he whispered once he felt he was in control again.

When Sehun lifted his head, Yixing’s breath got caught in his throat. The look of pure anguish on his boyfriend’s face was more than he could ever be able to handle.

“What can I do to make you smile again?” he choked his question out, cupping Sehun’s face and cleaning the tears running down his cheeks.

Sehun stared at him with his lips trembling. “Please have sex with me,” he mumbled.

Yixing shook his head and took a deep breath. “No. We’re not—”

Sehun’s wept interrupted him, breaking Yixing’s heart even more. He couldn’t understand it. Where had that sudden urge to have sex come from? Yixing knew that a new box was going to arrive, but that couldn’t be the reason. What could’ve happened to make Sehun this desperate? He trailed his eyes all over the room, hoping he could find a solution somewhere inside those four walls. Suddenly he saw in the distance a notebook lying by the door. He didn’t know why, but his chest began to throb hard.

At the same, Sehun whimpered and let his head fall on Yixing’s chest again. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said.

Yixing stared at the notebook and when he registered Sehun’s words, it all made sense.

“Am I in your notebook?” he asked almost in a whisper. He patiently waited for a reply, not wanting to come up with conclusions.

Sehun tightened his hold on his shirt, and after staying silent for longer than what Yixing’s nerves could handle, he simply muttered, “I’m so sorry…”

Yixing suddenly felt dizzy. His stomach churned and he let out a shaky sigh. He breathed in and out with his mouth several times, in an attempt to recompose himself. He wouldn’t panic. There was no time for that anymore. They had to find a solution, and they had to do it now. Not only for Sehun’s well-being, but also for his own life.

“All of them are dead and it’s been my fault. It was everything my fault,” Sehun blurted out.

“No… No, it wasn’t your fault.” Yixing straightened and forced Sehun to look at him. “Listen to me. Nothing of this was your fault and I don’t want you to think otherwise.”

“But—”

“No, Sehun. That’s enough.” Yixing wiped his cheeks and held Sehun’s hands. “You didn’t kill them, nor did you put their penises in those boxes. It wasn’t your fault.”

Sehun’s crying slowly had stopped. He was hiccupping and he seemed so lost that Yixing couldn’t help but hug him again.

“We’ll solve it, okay?” Yixing said, trying to believe in his own words.

“How?”

And there was their problem. What could they do? The police had long since been discarded as an option. They could try to leave somewhere else again, but where could they go? Apparently there was no way to hide, and Yixing was sure that this person wouldn’t stop before finding out where in the country they were. But what if… what if they weren’t in South Korea? What if they had moved to another country? Somewhere so far and unexpected that there would be no way they could find them.

The idea at that moment seemed completely viable, and considering their options, Yixing knew that they couldn’t think much about it if they wanted to have enough time to leave.

“What if we leave Busan?”

“It won’t work.” Sehun shook his head, pulling away from Yixing. “It doesn’t matter where we go! They’ll find us again!”

“No! No! They won’t! It was easy to find us here because we stayed near them, but this time we’ll go further!”

Sehun frowned and blinked a few times. “What do you mean?”

“Busan isn’t far from Seoul. Maybe there are about 300 kilometers between both cities, but we’re still close. Any place in Korea is! We need to leave the country, Sehun.”

Sehun looked at him as if he had grown a second head, and Yixing didn’t blame him. The idea was extremely crazy. Moving from one city to another within the same country sounded more or less easy. Going to another country was something completely different and, in fact, not so easy to do. Yixing totally understood it, but he couldn’t find another way to escape.

“But where can we go?” Sehun finally asked.

Yixing frowned, concentrating on his response. China was, by far, the simplest solution. His parents wouldn’t hesitate to receive them—they loved Sehun, anyway—and the language barrier wouldn’t be a problem. But it was also the most obvious place to flee to. Thus his home country couldn’t be taken as an option.

There were also Japan, Singapore, and Malaysia… Philippines, Thailand… Certainly any of those could be a good option, but Yixing considered staying in Asia still dangerous, for it was an obvious place, too, and he couldn’t risk being found.

“What about somewhere on the other side of the world?” Yixing absentmindedly asked. “Like…”

“The U.S.?”

“No… Like…” Yixing narrowed his eyes, deep in thought. “Like Mexico.”

“Mexico?” Sehun grimaced, as if he found Yixing’s idea ridiculous. “But we don’t speak Spanish.”

“We can learn.”

“Xing, I…” Sehun rubbed his face and sighed. “I don’t know. We have no idea what it’s needed to live there. It could take us months to get the permission or whatever it might be necessary. And we have nothing in common with Mexico! We’ve never been there!”

“And that’s exactly why it’s the perfect place to go. Nobody is going to consider looking for us there. Besides,”—Yixing leaned his head back against the wall, smiling slightly to ease the tension—“they have tacos… and tequila.”

Sehun looked at him dumbfounded before snorting and bursting into laughter.

Yixing’s smile grew wider and he closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall. That had been the sincerest laugh he had heard from Sehun in months and he couldn’t be more grateful to have managed to distract him, at least for a moment, from the cruel reality they were facing.

“I love tacos and tequila,” Sehun said once he had calmed down, joining Yixing next to the wall.

“We all do,” Yixing nodded, smiling at him. They remained silent for a little while, both lost in their thoughts, until Yixing asked, “Are we going to do it?”

Sehun didn’t reply right away and Yixing didn’t pressed him any further. He rested his head on Sehun’s shoulder, taking one of Sehun’s hands and intertwining their fingers. He knew it wasn’t an easy decision, but it didn’t matter what Sehun’s final choice was. He was willing to face anything, as long as he was with him.

 

 

The warm breeze of the afternoon, accompanied by the unmistakable smell of salt and the humidity in the environment, ruffled his now undyed hair, messed up his shirt, and turned his skin sticky to the touch. In the distance he could hear the waves crashing against the beach and the birds tweeting their last melodies before the moon arrived and they had to hide from it.

The narrow streets flowed along the shoreline, lacking tall buildings and hundreds of cars waiting for the traffic lights to change—full, instead, with dozens of scooters and jungle vegetation next to the sidewalks as part of the urban landscape. They were mostly full of tourists, who went in and out of small businesses, buying whatever they could imagine. From time to time he met the inhabitants, who didn’t hesitate to greet him as if they were old friends, even if they had never seen him before.

Heading back home, Sehun noticed that it was that time of the day when the sea became an aquatic parking lot where ships, from huge cruisers to small fishing boats, rested after a hard day of work. They had the sunset as background, and it was a beautiful scenery. Here the sun didn’t set, but submerged in the beautiful turquoise waters as the night approached, painting everything around it orange.

The island of Cozumel was the first place in Mexico to say hello and goodbye to the sun rays, and Sehun felt lucky to be one of the first people in the country to witness such a breathtaking sunset like this. Even after 11 months of living there, he still wasn’t used to such an image—nor to the life he now had, actually.

The day after they had chosen Mexico as their final destination, Sehun and Yixing investigated where exactly they could go and what they would need to live legally there. They discovered that none of them required a tourist visa to enter the country—Sehun for being Korean and Yixing for having a valid U.S. visa, based on what Mexican laws dictated according to their nationalities.

Once having assured that they could travel, then they improvised a plan. They would go to the Embassy of Mexico, both in Seoul and Guangzhou, to get a Temporary Resident Card for them. There they would get a passport stamp signaling that they were in process of issuing their card. Then they would fly to Cozumel, a Mexican island located in the Caribbean Sea, and visit the Local Migration Office to undertake the procedure to exchange their passport stamp for their Temporary Resident Card.

It was confusing due to all the processes they would have to follow, and they would even have to demonstrate to the Mexican Government that they have enough funds to live in the country—they fortunately had enough savings—but it was totally worth it. If everything went well, then they would be saying goodbye to Sehun’s harasser for good. They definitely couldn’t wait for that moment to come.

Not having any time to lose, the next day they found themselves going back to Seoul. Having got out of the Embassy in Seoul, they immediately flew to Guangzhou. Two days later, they were boarding the plane that would take them to Mexico, feeling guilty for not letting anyone know they were leaving. They had agreed to keep it to themselves until it was certain that they could stay in Mexico; it was better that way. After having flown for more than 19 hours, the plane finally landed in the island, and that marked the beginning of their new life.

The procedures for their Resident Visas went better than what they had expected, and in less than a month, they already were living legally in the country. They had found a small apartment located close to the beach and both had been delighted with it. As for their jobs, none had been able to get anything other than simple jobs, since the language barrier prevented them from doing many things. Sehun became a Korean teacher, while Yixing worked as a bartender in a club near the beach.

English had been Yixing’s salvation during their first months there—while Yixing had been Sehun’s salvation. They had been lucky that the island was a popular tourist destination, causing a certain amount of the population to know how to speak English. They eventually learned how to speak Spanish and although it wasn’t perfect, at least they could communicate better.

The problem came when they told their parents what they had done. Of course the four adults had gone mad, unable to believe how reckless they had been to move to the other side of the world without a warning. Obviously there wasn’t much they could do since Yixing and Sehun were technically also adults. They were free to do whatever they wanted. The only request of their parents, in the end, was for them to stay in communication all the time and not to do anything stupid that could get them in trouble.

Overall, their new life was amazing. They had finally found the peace they had so desperately been looking for, and it seemed that everything had been just a bad dream they had woken up from.

Sehun took out his keys from his shorts and entered the apartment, finding Yixing moving the cushions of the couches. He was wearing the club’s black polo shirt, meaning he was ready to go to work. Sehun remained in the doorway, watching his boyfriend mumbling to himself about how careless he was for leaving his wallet everywhere. Smiling to himself, he slowly approached Yixing, grabbing him by the waist. He collapsed on the couch, pulling the other with him. Yixing let out a shriek that caused Sehun to maniacally laugh.

“What the hell, Sehun!”

“Yeah, my day was good. Thanks.” Sehun straightened, taking a sitting position. Yixing was now sitting on his lap, which gave him the perfect opportunity to steal a kiss and make him forget that he had scared him.

“This doesn’t compensate at all the heart attack you caused me,” Yixing said, smiling when their lips parted. “Have mercy on the old man.”

Sehun kissed his nose and then leaned back, placing his head on the back of the couch. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.” Yixing rolled his eyes, standing up. “Anyway, I was doing important stuff before you came, so be helpful and tell me if you’ve seen my wallet.”

Sehun sent him an amused look and shook his head. “I don’t know, maybe I’ve seen it in the back pocket of your pants.”

“Love, I’m being serious!” Yixing whined, taking a cushion from the couch. “I’m late for work. I need to find it and I don’t remember where— Did you say the back pocket of my… _Oh_.”

Sehun smirked at him, satisfied with himself. “You’re welcome.”

Yixing rolled his eyes again, putting down the cushion. “Whatever. I’m leaving now.” He took his phone from the coffee table and walked toward the door, completely passing by Sehun.

“No, wait!” Sehun said, standing up. “My goodbye kiss!”

Yixing walked faster so he could reach the door before Sehun got next to him, but he failed. Sehun ran all the way to the entrance, standing between the door and him.

“You’re not leaving without saying goodbye.” Closing his eyes, Sehun patiently waited for his kiss. What he received, however, was a kiss on his cheek. “I can’t believe you, Zhang!”

Yixing laughed, and Sehun wanted to put his finger on his dimple. It hadn’t been long since he had realized that he had spent a lot of time without seeing Yixing’s dimple forming because he was happy. Sehun shook his head, pushing those thoughts away—they were fine now. He embraced Yixing by the waist and leaned in to kiss him how it was supposed to be done. Yixing put his arms around Sehun’s neck, and Sehun felt him smiling while kissing him back. They didn’t break the contact until their lungs asked for air. Sehun then kissed Yixing’s forehead, pulling him into a hug.

“Personal space, Hun!” Yixing mumbled against his neck.

“Are you complaining?”

Yixing placed a soft kiss on Sehun’s jaw and shook his head. “Nope.” He straightened, and playing with the hair on Sehun’s nape, he asked, “Am I free to go to work now?”

“No!” Sehun immediately tightened his hold and buried his face on the crook of Yixing’s face. “I don’t want you to go. Stay with me today.”

Yixing laughed at his boyfriend’s childish behavior, and caressing his back, said, “Feeding you requires a fair amount of money that I can only get working, so now let me go.”

Sehun groaned but still complied, releasing Yixing. “Fine.”

Yixing beamed at him and placed a peck on his lips. “See you tomorrow morning, alright?”

Pouting, Sehun nodded and moved aside so Yixing could leave. He stood there, watching him walking down the street. A weird feeling settled on his stomach, but he didn’t pay it attention. Yixing was almost at the end of the street, when Sehun quickly took out his phone and dialed his number.

Yixing abruptly stopped, Sehun saw. _“What is it?”_ he asked, sounding confused.

“I love you…”

Yixing didn’t say anything for a few seconds before turning around, facing Sehun. _“I’ll get a lot of money discounted for being this late,”_ he said, shaking his head. _“But I love you, too.”_

At that moment Sehun’s eyes watered and he frowned, not getting what was wrong.

 _“Wait.”_ Yixing stayed rooted where he was, looking at him. _“Are you crying?”_

Sehun shook his head and bit his lip, feeling stupid for acting like that.

_“Hun…”_

“No! I’m not crying! Now go.” He moved his arms, shooing Yixing away. “You’re late. See you tomorrow.”

Yixing didn’t say anything right away, but ended up nodding. _“Bye, Hunnie.”_

“Bye, love.”

And with that he ended the call.

Yixing waved his hand and continued his walk, almost running because he really was late, and when he was out of sight, Sehun went in again. He stood at the door, weirded out by his behavior. He didn’t know what had happened, but he paid it no mind. It probably was just his tiredness. Maybe sleeping could help.

Not having anything else to do, he went to the bedroom, changed his clothes and laid down on the bed. He stared at the ceiling, slowly breathing in and out. When he finally managed to relax, he closed his eyes, and rolled on the bed, snuggling into the side where Yixing slept.

He didn’t notice when he began to fall asleep, but he just hoped to feel better the next day, because if not, Yixing would worry and he didn’t want that. He wanted him to be happy. That’s what he deserved.

 

 

Sitting up abruptly, Sehun woke to the sound of someone knocking the door. He rubbed his eyes and took his cell phone, watching the time—it was 8:37 a.m. He got out of bed and walked to the door. Yawning, he opened but saw no one. He frowned and was about to close the door when he noticed that there was a box on the floor.

He stared at it, and his chest jumped once, reminding him to the familiar twinge he hadn’t feel for so long. Lifting it, Sehun looked out on the street, trying to find the person who had left the box there, but there was no one. The package was heavy. Sehun had no idea what was inside, but surely it was something big. After having closed the door, he walked into the living room. He watched the time on his cell phone once more, and frowned. Yixing would normally be at home before 8, but he hadn’t come back home yet. Maybe he had entertained himself putting back the glasses on the shelves behind the bar. Sehun shrugged, not giving it much importance. He would ask him later.

He stood on the dining room and put the box on the table. For some reason he felt unsure about opening it. He didn’t know why, but his insides begun to writhe. Unfortunately for him, he hadn’t woken up feeling better, and that made the feeling worse. He took a long breath and tried to relax. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. Surely it was only his own paranoia that was acting and there really was nothing to worry about.

Having put himself together, Sehun slowly took the lid of the box and withdrew it. Inside he found a folded sheet of paper on top of a white box, which looked like made out of wood—that’s probably why it was so heavy. Frowning, Sehun took the sheet, and without thinking, he took his cell phone and called Yixing.

He didn’t know why his hands were shaking, nor why his stomach was churning. When _‘The number you have dialed cannot be reached at the moment,’_ reached his ears, he hung up and immediately called again. He unfolded the sheet and there he found, formed with letters cut from different places, a message that was ready to be read.

 

_‘You should’ve been smarter, Sehunnie. We would’ve had so much fun, but you decided to screw everything up.’_

 

The familiar twinge on his chest slowly return, being at first almost imperceptible, but not making it less present.

 

_‘It’s okay, though. I forgive you. Now I want to play!’_

 

Sehun called Yixing again, not letting the automated message say any word—Yixing had to pick up. He was just busy at work, but he would eventually pick up.

 

_‘Let’s play hide and seek! Ready or not, here I come!’_

 

The blood was pounding in his ears, making the _beep_ coming from his phone to sound distant.

 

_‘But wait… I think you don’t know how to play.’_

 

He called again, begging Yixing to pick up.

 

_‘Because you didn’t hide well…’_

 

The twinge had now gained full force, contracting his chest and preventing him from breathing.

 

_‘…and I already found you.’_

 

His mouth went dry and an overwhelming sense of dread flooded through his veins.

 

_‘P.S.: Congratulations! Now I don’t have to share you with anybody else.’_

 

His vision disfigured and everything he saw seemed to be inside a fish-eyed lens.

 

_‘For the second time, I’m so sorry for your lost.’_

 

Feeling like he was being choked, Sehun opened his mouth to let the air in, but his lungs weren’t working. His chest was heaving so fast, and the heart palpitations were so strong, that he feared he was having a heart attack. He tried and dialed Yixing’s number again, but it was to no avail. He never picked up.

His eyes then focused on the wooden box that remained closed in front of him. As if his hands acted on their own, Sehun quickly lifted the lid, throwing it across the dining room. Inside of it were hundreds of little pink and white hearts, plus one red heart that was the size of the palm of Sehun’s hand that was lying quietly on the pink paper bed. His trembling hands took the red one and he noticed that it was a card. Feeling the twinge in his chest getting stronger, his eyes focused on what the card said.

A gut-wrenching sound came from the back of his throat. His legs suddenly felt weak and he felt like the ground was falling under him. His eyes filled with tears and he felt a terrible tightness in his chest that didn’t allow enough oxygen to reach his lungs. His head began to spin, but that didn’t stop him from trying to remove the contents of the box, looking for what was supposed to be inside, but he so desperately begged for it not to be there.

When his hands reached the bottom, his fingers touched something fleshy. He immediately took out his hand, but it came out completely stained in red. Sehun cried harder and his chest grew tighter as bile burned his chest and rose in his throat. Choking in his own saliva, Sehun took the box and threw it away, making it crash against the shelf at the back of the dining room. The sound of breaking glass flooded the place, accompanying Sehun's anguished bawls.

Meanwhile, hundreds of tiny hearts fell like confetti all over the dining room, painting white and pink the place that had suddenly lost all its color. A huge red heart lay next to the table, completely unaware of the damage it had caused in a matter of seconds, and inside of it, three Chinese characters rested on the paper.

The flowers would continue to grow. The threes would continue to lose their leaves. The sea would continue crashing its waves on the beach. New lives would come to the world, while others would walk towards the eternal rest.

The clubs around the world would remain loud and the lighting in there would still suck. People would continue to jump and sway their bodies, leaving no space for anything, not even air, to fit among them. Many of them would continue visiting those places, hoping to score with some boy or girl they might find _hot_.

Life would continue moving forward, and the world would continue moving around the Sun.

The universe wouldn’t be altered and everything that existed would remain just like at this moment, completely unaware that Zhang Yixing would never return home.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I. FREAKING. DID. IT. Y’ALL. ! ! ! ! !
> 
> For a moment I thought I wouldn’t make it! I hadn’t planned on making this sooooo long, and even less to take an eternity to finish it. I know it’s not perfect, and there are many things that I would’ve liked to write better, but I feel somewhat proud of having managed to write something that’s completely out of what I would’ve ever thought to write. :’)
> 
> I wanna thank the ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶l̶y̶ spooky mods first! ♥ Without you guys all of this wouldn’t have been possible! Thanks for having dealt with me and for always being so accessible and kind and amazing and ugh, seriously, you’re the best!! (ノ・∀・)ノ.+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+
> 
> To the prompter, thanks for having submitted your prompt!! Asjkasjak you have no idea of how much I loved it! Not only for your *cofs* beautiful *cofs* request to have Sexing, but for the whole idea. It was different. It was new. It was interesting. And I just couldn’t help but scream that day at home, “I need to write that prompt!” No, seriously, I did scream lmao xD I tried to stay loyal to all the things you asked, so I really hope this doesn’t disappoint you or, at least, that it does justice to the idea you had about this when submitting the prompt. ♥
> 
> Finally, to all those readers who took the time to finish this long ass thing, thank you so, so much!!! OTL Whether you’ve liked the story or not—I hope you did, tho!—I can’t thank you all enough for having been interested in my work. ♥
> 
> I know that the ending was… well, yeah hahaha throughout these almost three months there wasn’t a single day where I didn’t debate with myself whether I should end it like that or not. I won’t approach much on the subject, but I just couldn’t find a way to give it a happy ending, so I'm sorry for that (kinda) :(
> 
> Overall, this was fun to write, and even if this certainly killed many of my brain cells, I don’t regret having done this. xD
> 
> Oh, btw!!! The procedure for obtaining a Temporary Resident Card in Mexico does work that way, but it doesn’t take that small amount of time to get it all done. In this AU, however, laws work efficiently for everyone and thus Sehun and Yixing managed to live in Cozumel right away! ;D This is irrelevant, Ik! But take it as a cultural fact.
> 
> And also, please always remember that ‘no’ is ‘no’. Don’t let anybody force you to do things you don’t want to do—and I’m not only talking about a sexual matter, but in general. :)
> 
> Okay, that’s it, amigos! Thanks again for having read! ♥


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